AMARAVATHY EXPOSED - PART 1

Dear Friends,

POST SCRIPT
I’ve written a lot here but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Some pieces are very painful - especially those related to my teenage times that involve my family - to be mentioned that I am still skirting around them. Some pieces here made me absolutely contented just to be mentioned. However there is just this one piece that made me burst out laughing at Durgas Restaurant where I was writing until 10pm last night – it was on an incident that happened earlier this year. It was on how I threatened Baskaran and made him very scared of me just to obtain some personal space and freedom. I have made a mark there so that all women out there can laugh at it too.

INTRODUCTION
I have so much to share with you that I have been writing this round the clock - since I sent you the sms on Monday (20th May) morning requesting for your fax details. Hence I wrote them in various places and various times. I have also taken some of it from a police report that I attempted to make on Baskaran on 19th May 2006 (Sat) but changed my mind as I didn’t want him to get into trouble with the authorities. I was also worried about my own safety.

However I would like to publish an extensive version of my life experiences and translate the publication it in various languages including the Tamil language. My vision is for people to listen to my story as I have led a loveless existence with no one to listen to me. I think my story represents various minority groups such as women, children, Indians, the poor and the existence.

I would like for all people of the world to read my experience and find something in it to wake them up and smell the Nescafe (I love coffee and I just had row with the male receptionist of this hotel for sending room service – Nescafe in a plastic bag with 2 Styrofoam cups. Have you had coffee in Styrofoam cups? Yucks! They smell bad. Please don’t ever support the Styrofoam and Plastic industries as they are very harmful to the environment. They a not bio-degradable – that means they remain on earth for ever and ever – unlike natures own production that decomposes without a trace. I now can sip my coffee in a glass). We need to stand up for our rights of our Body, Mind and Soul. I am now writing this introductory piece at a cheap Hotel located in the vicinity of Ampang Point - Hotel Palm Inn – listening to Tamil/Hindi songs played by the 24 hour Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita below. It costs RM90 per day.

The Cat is Out of the Bag
It’s now 11.23 am and I’ve just had my breakfast and a panadol as my body is hurting from all the writing work I am doing in uncomfortable postures and places. I’ve just turned off all lights in the room to conserve energy. Do you know how much energy hotels waste? I need to find out but we need to conserve energy as the world is dying – just as I was for the past 5 years. I feel so sorry for myself that I have tears in my eyes. I will never betray myself but it is hard to make such promise because the society is so cruel that it demands such unnatural things.

Baskaran, you wanted to keep all about us under wraps but little did you know that what we fear most will come back to haunt us. I am sorry for doing this but it is my life too. I wanted to you to hear me but you never heard. Now I want to whole world to listen to me because I may have many important things to say.

I am here because the flats unit that I moved into last month is no longer livable. I believe it is haunted because I can’t seem to be alone there. I have an unconscious fear of something that I don’t understand. I now need constant company of people. I am afraid to be alone as I’m afraid of myself. I have an uncontrollable rage towards Baskaran and my parents. I don’t know myself anymore. It is now 5.30am and I have just come down from my motel room to the Restaurant because I am afraid to be alone and got scared of what I was writing. I came down to be in the company of the people. I thought my motel room is haunted. I think I am possessed. I hear voices in my head that tell me to write this.

However I think these are the many personalities that I have been suppressing all the while to keep - my parents, baskaran, in-laws and the society at large – HAPPY! Am I right? Can you understand what I am saying?

I don’t know how to handle myself anymore but I also think that I have never been better as I am very courageous and am taking all those who have been bullying me (and/or I was afraid off) to task. I have begun to stand up for myself. But the strange thing is that I feel suffocated and oppressed in small areas and dark corners but I feel alright in open air and vast spaces - when the sky is my only roof. When I spend too much time between four walls of my home, I feel trapped. I need to run out and inhale huge amount of air into my lungs to feel better. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been hiding in small corners of my mind and am now opening up to the vastness of existence. Is this true? Can someone explain all of these for me?

Do you think the Conference of Sitthers (I think this means Yogis – I don’t know the English word for this as my Tamil/English dictionary that I have been lugging around since 1978 – I got it as a present from the Tamil School that I was studying for the good results I got in standard 5 Government examination – can’t remember the certificate) that will be held at University Malaya from this 25th – 27th May (Friday – Sunday) will help explain what I am going through? My mother and Dr. Jaya of Jaya Clinic at Melawai think so. Do you?

My Body Is My Guru
My body has taken control of me. Have you ever had this wonderful experience? What happens when you get scared in the middle of the night in a dark alley? The first thing you do is run right? Who made you run? It is your survival instincts right? What is instinct? It is your body taking control right? I think this is happening to me almost all the time. Thanks to OSHO for explaining this in his book “Intellect – A Courageous Way to Live” (unsure of the title as all my OSHO’s books are with Baskaran – Dear, please return them to me).

My legs take me to wherever I am supposed to go when I am walking. When I am driving, my voices take me to wherever I am supposed to go. My eyes park on things that I must do or have. I hurt myself when I am upset. I’ve even dropped heavy things onto myself when I am angry. Ever since I put myself through a de-toxification program to wean myself Off marijuana, I started eating what my stomach dictates. Actually my body put me through the de-toxification program and not the other way round. Do you understand me?

I started practicing one of OSHO’s meditation methods called Body, Mind Balancing – I received a guided meditation CD with the book (Baskaran please return the book to me as it is my favorite) that allows the body to return to its natural ways. I am now a proud ex-drug addict because I did it my way without the help of anyone especially Baskaran as he’s quick to take unfair credit for all things related to me.

Right now I am rather unhappy because I’ve let myself go as far as my stomach is concerned because I am too busy to care about my health. My stomach was my Guru but now I have my eyes as my Guru. Do you understand what I am saying? I used to hear a voice deep from my belly guiding me but now I have a number of voices guiding me. However in moments of confusion, I do hear a guiding voice that tells me what to do and what to write. Above all, my eyes are guiding me to places and they have never failed me. Guruveh Sharanam = SURRENDER TO GURU.

Guruveh Sharanam = SURRENDER TO GURU
We say this a lot but do we actually understand the depth of it? I am trying my level best to surrender to my own Gurus (my own voices) but it is so difficult because society does not allow it. It is such an effort to surrender! How can you surrender to an outside influence when you can’t even surrender to your own self? It is so hard that sometimes I curse and cuss at myself because it is very painful to do what my guiding voice tells me. Why is this happening? I feel like killing some people…will the society allow it?

THE TRANSFORMATION
What am I doing in Hotel Palm Inn with my windows open and feeling comfortable just listening to the heavy noise emanating from below – at 5.30am in the morning? They are cleaning the restaurant for breakfast and the music is loud. Until early this year, I needed a very quiet and clean room to sleep alone. Now I need constant company of people and a noisy environment. I no longer care about cleanliness but I get very uncomfortable when it is too quiet. What has happened?

My notebook is beeping away because its batteries are almost dead but I am somehow managing as I can still use the faulty adapter that Baskaran had bought for me. I need to constantly move my wire around to keep it connected to the notebook because it’s loose (just as loose as my family think I am). Actually my shoulders are in immense pain because I have been lugging a heavy coffee table book on wetlands along with my notebook because I’ve been using it to keep the adapter fixed to the notebook. Last night in my haste, I left the book at the unit that I have abandoned and now I am paying the price. The notebook may die on me anytime but I am talking to it to keep it intact. Am I insane?

AMARAVATHY THE FOOL - SHIT SMELLING PERMAI SERI BLOCK – THE TREACHERY OF CATHERINE AND ANUAR
The unit that I am renting now needs a lot of repair work and I couldn’t stand the stench that was emanating from the IWK pond that is outside my window. Although I am at the 15th floor, the acrid smell is unbelievable. On 22nd May, PM told Works Minister S Samy Vellu to do his duty and undertake all repairs in parliament building and stop blaming others. I expected my landlord Ms. Catherine to assume such responsibility but she and her real estate agent – Anuar (I don’t know his full name) are not answering my calls and I don’t know where Catherine lives as she had kept that a secret, although I have requested for such information. I smelled something fishy with her. I had just sent her and her agent a sms that I am going to drag them down to every court in Malaysia if they don’t return all of my money worth RM1600 and pay my hotel bill. She’s still ‘making don’t know’ to my actual plight.

But I would not accept payment for the hotel bill from her because it’s unfair. I am sitting on this bed and doing something that I am completely in love with – writing. It’s unfair to take money from the people we don’t know for unjust claims.

AMARAVATHY IS INSANE – THE TREACHERY OF BASKARAN
I am so tired now because I have not slept well since I left Baskaran on 20th April 2007. Last week I survived on anti-depressant for 4 days but I would not allow myself to be dependant on anything but myself. Hence I stopped and am waiting for my body to collapse so that I can sleep peacefully once again. Perhaps writing this piece will help me find peace of mind.

I would like to start by highlighting the police report that I had made on 24 April 2007 (Tuesday) against my husband that I faxed over to you last night. That would have clearly illuminated how he had abused me and manipulated my entire family to work against me. This happened in just 4 days and it shows how much he controlled and manipulated me. I am tired of trying to fight for my justice as an Indian Woman [perempuan India as they called me at the Wangsa Maju and Sentul Police Stations and at Ibu Pejabat Polis Kontinjen (IPK), KL] in Malaysia.

I went to make a police report against Baskaran once again on the 19th May 2007 (Friday) determined to put him behind bars because I was bullied by him and my lawyer. He constantly put off giving me my documents that I needed to prepare my CV and he had just put off signing the divorce petition (my lawyer calls this doc petition – betulkah?) I found my lawyer being played so easily by him and I got very upset with the both of them. Actually started believing that they were both conspiring against me - Baskaran must have somehow convinced her that I was insane – just as he had convinced my entire family members of 15 people.

I got so pissed off that I terminated Jagjits services through a telephone call and sms. Is this ok? I requested for her to return my deposit payment of RM2000. She too is ignoring me. Did you know that Baskaran did not pay anything to the lawyer as she was someone I found and yet she was on his side? Why? He’s such a leach that he wanted to stick to the same lawyer. Since I had terminated Jagjits service, he had found another Indian lady lawyer Ms. Nisha of K. Nadarajah and Partners. I feel so sorry for her. Ms. Nisha, please be very careful with this man. You will learn more about him as you read further.

INDIAN WOMEN AND THE TREACHERY OF GOLDSMITHS
I had just pajak (don’t know the English word for this as my Malay/English dictionary that my father had bought in 1979, when I was 12yrs old is with Baskaran) my mothers gold tahli to reclaim a long gold chain and a pair of gold ear-rings - that Baskaran’s mother had given me during my wedding - from the same pajak shop.

I Pajak my mothers Tahli worth RM5000 for a lower rate of RM3500 (as I did not want to pay too much of interest and needed only that amount). I thank my mother for offering me her last piece of gold. That was her last piece because she had lost all her gold to my brother (whom I USED to call Tambi now I am going to call him Khairul – his muslim name) for cash needed for his business investment purposes.

In my moment of absolute desperation, in my lawyers presence, I managed to convince Baskaran to give me the gold items that we had kept in my safe deposit box at HSBC. He had lost the key and we had to be present together at the Bank after banking hours for them to break open the safe. Since it was his fault, he paid RM208 for the key. He kept all the foreign currency (Euro and US dollars) he had stashed there worth about I don’t know as he had kept them in an envelope. I barely managed to keep the gold items of a long gold chain and a pair of gold ear-rings weighing 85.20grams. I don’t know the actual weight of these gold items as all goldsmiths mentioned different weights ranging from 85 to 85.20 grams. Who is the authority on goldsmiths in Malaysia? Does anyone know?

With the help of Khairul, I pajak those gold items in Seremban for a price of RM4850 but I was very unsatisfied with the price because Khairul was offered a price of RM5440 (RM64 per gram x 85 grams) at Jalan Pudu in KL. Do you know there are rows of Chinese Goldsmith at Jalan Pudu that offer various prices for your gold. Isn’t gold price determined by the market. The current market rate is RM82 per gram but why are we offered as low as RM55 per gram by Indian Goldsmith at Lebuh Ampang and RM64 per gram by Chinese goldsmith at Jalan Pudu? Is this legal? Who and what determines this?

So, on 18th May 2006, I drove to Seremban, Pajak my mothers Tahli worth RM5000 for RM3500 and used my last of the salary money to take out the gold items. I managed to sell them at Jalan Pudu the next morning for a price of RM5430 to a women goldsmith. Did I do something illegal here? Please advice.

AMARAVATHY THE EX-MARIJUANA ADDICT AND THE TREACHERY OF THE POLICE
I went to make a police report against Baskaran on 19th May 2006 (Sat) as I was very angry with him for bullying me and making my life difficult by not releasing all documents that I needed to complete my CV and file my personal tax returns.

Initially I was treated rudely at the Wangsa Maju Police Station. A female officer yelled at me as if she was yelling at a convict. I stood my ground and yelled at her back and threatened them with my limited knowledge of the law. Actually I was shaking like a leaf inside but put on a brave front as I have once been abused by their manner when I went to make the police report on 24th April 2006. In addition, I had to type the entire report by myself and spend about a total of 3 hours there. Actually I was guided by my inner guru to say all those threats to get their respect. I was successful (yet I find it difficult to surrender to my own guru).

I was immediately taken to a private room by a male officer for a chat that he conducted with utmost respect. Upon hearing my plea, he made a telephone call to Baskaran to release my documents but I don’t know what was the conversation about as all he kept repeating was ‘saya’…’saya’ in agreement to whatever Baskaran was saying. Later he made a telephone call to ASP Teh Soi Hai of Sentul Police Station, and passed the line to me. Upon repeating my plea again over a telephone, TEA (I’m calling him Tea, direct translation for Teh as my pc is auto correcting his name to THE all the time and I have no time to amend it) asked call to go to IPK, KL to report on Baskaran for involving me in marijuana abuse.

My only consolation was that I managed to successfully demand a ride in a police car that came all the way from Wangsa Maju Police Station to IPK, KL to fetch me back to their station as they had mis-guided me and gave me their famous run around. I was made to travel from Wangsa Maju Police Station to IPK, KL (by taxi) by TEA (can I take action against this irresponsible man) just to receive some personal advices from a female inspector. She did not know her own rights as a female and I believe I made her realize a thing a two about women’s rights that she called and demanded for me to be taken back to my car by the police. Can I claim my taxi fair from them.

The driver expected me to have tea with him and started asking many things about my former addiction but when I called Baskaran and asked him to speak to him re: my documents, once again, all I heard was ‘saya’….’saya’….and ‘ya’. When I arrived at Wangsa Maju Police Station, yet another female officer (different shift as I had wasted about 5 hours for nothing) yelled at me saying that Baskaran had called and that they can’t get involved because he was not free to be at home to release my documents. Is this fair? All I want is some papers that Baskaran will never understand or use. I yelled at her who is the boss here, you as the police or the Baskaran.

I was outraged and bullied that I collected my things and ran out of the police station cursing them about their incompetence. However, my legs took a u-turn and took me back to the police station demanding to make a police report. Once again I requested for a pc and started typing furiously as I am doing right now, on how Baskaran had abused me with Marijuana. I too had written down all the contact details of all officers involved conscientiously.

Hence I called TEA and politely asked his advice me on what to do. I manipulatively called him Tuan although I hated it because I needed legal advice. He was kind enough to ask me to write all about marijuana abuse so that they can arrest Baskaran and take him for urine test the very same night. Hence I wrote a 4-page report (from 8pm – 10pm) on Baskaran and another 2 page report on my former boss who had just cheated me off RM465 just 2 days ago. The voices in my head wanted them behind bars and justice served but I could not relent. I printed the documents, deleted them from police files and walked out without a word. If you would like these documents, please send me a sms and I will fax them to you because I don’t have the time to re-type them as I need to get my documents from baskaran and do my CV to find a job. I am in conflict now. Should I put them behind bars? Please advice at the end of my story. Is this Guruveh Sharanam? How am I to surrender to myself? Is this fair to me?


AMARAVATHY THE ENVIRONEMNTAL CONSERVATIONIST AND THE TREACHERY OF GEC

I walked out of my office at Global Environment Centre (GEC) after working there for about 5.5 working days (Annex 2) on 17th May 2006 due to contractual dispute with the Executive Director (Faizal Duncan Parish) of that profit making company that is posing to be a non-profit organization.

Here I need to mention about the injustice I have been served at Global Environment Centre (GEC). In June 2004, I got a job at GEC as a coordinator (unsure of my position as it had changed many times during my tenure at GEC, I also believe that I had worked there without a contract but I have evidence of pay checks that went into my savings accounts from GEC – all my files are with Baskaran) for a project entitled (unsure) Multilateral Environmental Agreements – A Capacity Building Program for Government Officials to negotiate and communicate at international environmental conventions such as United Nations Framework for Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC), Convention on Biological Diversity (CBD), Ramsar Convention on Wetlands, Montreal Protocol, etc. This was a liberating moment for me as I once again found passion for conservation and I thank Faizal for giving me an opportunity to exercise my love for existence.

I left GEC suddenly on 16th March 2007, I am unsure of the actual date as I don’t have the copy of the email that I sent with regards to that. I left without saying goodbye to Faizal or the staff. I had just sent an email saying that I had made some money and didn’t want to work anymore. I remember now that I could do it because I did not have a contract with GEC from November 2006 – this is how disorganized GEC is.

Actually I realized recently that GEC is a money making organization posing as a non-profit organization trying to cheat public off of their money as they have just got tax exemption status. Does this mean that monies that is used to fund projects conducted by this organization is tax deductible? Could someone with accountancy background help me understand this? I need some advice from financial consultants/accountants here because I would like to take GEC to task as I will no longer allow anyone to make money using the name of nature/environment.

I had just completed a proposal for them (annex 3) requesting funds of about RM147,000 from Toyota Foundation of Japan to support the activities of Civil Society Organisations of Southeast Asia to conduct activities related to the Climate Change and rapid loss of biodiversity. But rumour has it that GEC is trying to use to the money to run their organization that has been appointed as the Interim Project Secretariat by the ASEAN Secretariat and the Malaysian Environmental NGOs (MeNGO). Dr. Sundari (coordinator of MeNGO – I think) please take note of this and take action against GEC as it is your responsibility to keep the Environmental NGOs in Malaysia under control.

We know how the environmental NGOs can abuse public funds to sustain very highly paid staff. One of the many bosses I reported to was the Executive Director at Wetlands International Dr. Arthur Mitchell, he was paid a whopping salary of RM25,000 a month (incl. his 3 children’s education at an International School). Isn’t this true Dr. Sundari. Dr. Sundari and I were colleagues at WI since 1997 (unclear as all doc are with Baskaran). Khadijah (Accountant at WI for the past 12 years) could please confirm this information. Isn’t this true? Were we not disgusted with the organization for this? Didn’t Dr. Arthur Mitchell use the funds worth RM1.5million received from a private funder (I forgot his name - what was his name Khadijah?) from Denmark to pay off 7 industrial court law suit made by former staff of WI (four of the staff who received the payment – Faizal Duncan Parish, Suzana Mohkeri, Victoria Louis, Saha Devan - who were terminated from WI walked out and started the operation of GEC). If I am not mistaken, they were each paid an average of RM200,000 each – an unfair agreement they struct with the mild mannered Dr. Mitchell.

On 18th May 2006, I went to GEC to collect my pay check – Faizal released a cash check worth RM1490 for 3.5 days of my salary and the outstanding pay from March 2007 of 3 full days. Faizal, 6.5 days x RM230 is RM1495 and not RM1490 – why are you so cheap that you’re cheating me off RM5. Anyway thank you for fulfilling my demand for a cash check as I needed the money urgently. In addition, you are now cheating me off 2 days of my salary worth RM460 – a rate too low for my expertise. My time sheet is in annex 2. I hope that my ex-colleagues will corroborate with me if I take Faizal to the Industrial Court. Friends, Faizal’s expertise include technical knowledge on wetland conservation and cheating Indian staff off their deserved worth by under paying them as Indians are a minority group in Malaysia and do not stand up to a Mat Salleh.

I hope GEC will pay me the outstanding salary of RM465 that I deserve and help me feel as if I am still part of this world. I would like to continue my work in the field of environmental conservation and I hope Faizal will be professional enough to recognize my expertise. Faizal, please don’t take this personally as local expertise on the environment is very few and nature needs people like us to represent them. Please be fair to me as I too am part of existence. Have you been fair to your staff? Have you been fair to the environment that you have been representing all over the world – especially in the International Conventions? Since they don’t have a voice, we need to be fair…have you? I don’t think so, please change your ways.

Anyway, due to Baskaran’s and my lawyer Jagjit’s constant telephone calls to me and my family, I could not perform well at work but I think that I had done a good job in writing the proposal for Toyota Foundation, please read the proposal and comment on it. Right now my confidence in me as an environmental conservationist is somehow eroded by Faizal’s treatment towards me. Please help me restore my confidence in myself.

I am now constantly very angry with the whole world and feel that injustice has been done to me by all that who believed that they know me - including my family - for conspiring with Baskaran against me and for several other incidents that took place when I was a very young school going girl of 16 years old. However, going public with my story has given me the courage to fight with this man who has been bullying me for the past 7 years.

SIMPLE AMARAVATHY – BASKARAN’S THE LOVER
He walked into my house at Pantai Dalam in November 1999 with a plastic bag full of cheap clothes and had played with my sympathy and emotions and had never left my life until yesterday. I was then renting a flats owned my cousin Kalai who had kindly renovated and made it lovely for me and gave it away for a very cheap price of RM250 per month. Later, he also bought me a 4-seater dining table, a tv stand and a unique Directors chair which is now placed at my bedroom. I love that chair because it is so unique.

AMARAVATHY – THE TREACHERY OF THE COUSIN
Thank you very much for all that anneh and for all your support during this dark and desolate period of my life and for keeping in-touch with me all these years. This morning I received a loving message from you through ‘short messaging service’ (SMS) “Shakespheare says….’one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces. A pure heart is worth its weight in gold’…Good morning…”

Wasn’t that lovely? That’s what I thought the moment I saw it and replied ‘thanks darling’. Upon analyzing it I sent a sms to you “Anneh, I know you mean well but shakespear was gd in eng (so the world says) but ignorant of human heart - there’s no such thing as pure heart - we consist of all. Gd morning 2 u too.”

Friends, aren’t I right? I was devastated when I received his reply … ‘U will find one at ur time”. Why are you so condescending and patronizing towards me? Will I ever be taken seriously? All my family members, Baskaran, and the world have been treating me this way. Is this fair? Anneh, please let me know if I am wrong here or am I being sensitive? What do you mean by ‘’one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces’? Am I ugly? Don’t we know what we are saying anymore? Are we just puppets repeating ignorance things said by people?

Then he sends another sms asking ‘darling anneh n have u got the job?’ He clearly knows that I have lost my job? Why is this happening? I am still cool. I replied “After writing my piece..u n anni must read it all – gonna cont. now. Darling thangachi. Guess what he replies ‘r u working now?’ Writing this had riled me up that I just sent a message “Don’t you understand English? Read my sms again” This is how my family had continuously abused me and eroded my confidence.

My parents have always used kalai to keep me under their control as they think I am too wild and loose. Whenever I have a dispute with them, they call Kalai and use him as a puppet to manipulate me. Little does he know about the scheming ways of my mother. Many a times I hated this method that had been applied on me to keep me under check.

Did you know what happened yesterday 22nd May 2007? I went home at 2am on Sunday morning to Kuala Pilah to fetch them to come and live with me because I was afraid to live alone. We left Kuala Pilah the next day and had a lovely gathering at my sister Valarmathy’s house at Seremban with my cousins Vinoshini, Jamuna and Lingeson.

Anneh do you know Valarmathy’s children’s names? Did she not take care of you when you had broken your leg in a car accident and made you bed-ridden for almost 6 months? She cleaned your piss and shit pot for a very long time in 1977 (I think)? Have you conveniently forgotten that? Why have you not kept in touch with her? Is it because she is poor and unsuccessful to your point of view? In my point of view, she is successful because she has a business in the Seremban market (those of you from Seremban, please buy your vegetables and provisions from my lovely sister Valar as she needs your support to continue her miserable existence as an abused Indian wife/daughter-in-law) 3 lovely children, a house and 2 cars.

Ms. Vinoshini Sathiamoorthi, my cousin is in such a good position at KLIA that at such a young age of 21, she earns a very high salary and supports her entire family because her father is a useless loafer who is living off his children and wife. Valar, please don’t abuse Vinoshini to support the entire family as our parents have done to me? What about your share? Why are you so stingy? Why do you always ask them to call you back when you want to complain about your husband and in-laws - so that you can safe your telephone bill? It is because I am paying for their hotlink re-load too right? Everybody at home, please stop taking advantage of me. I am now poor. Please support our parents.

Anneh, now that you know about Vinoshini, you may want to be in touch with her right? Why are you so pretentious? Lets face the truth, you have no idea of who I am because you too never bothered to listen to me.

Did you not keep in touch with Valar because she got married to an Indian abusive husband who beats her regularly to keep her in check? Why have you not helped her? Are you afraid of Sathiamoorthy? Was that why you did not attend my engagement, wedding and forsook me in my hours of need when I was newly married to Baskaran – when he and his family members were abusing me. Were afraid of the fact that he was an ex-convict and that he may beat you? Is it true someone attempted to shoot you at an Indian pub in early 90’s. Where were you from April 2002 (engagement and wedding) – April 2003?

You call me to be in touch when my parents call you and control you by saying that I need to be looked after right? Have you any idea what they have been doing to you and myself? Is it the custom of Indian families to forget their daughters who have been supporting them when the girls get married? Is it because the girls are of no more use to the family? Are we adopted off to our in-laws family to play the same role there. Now that I am no longer with a man, my parents are bullying you once again to keep in check right? Well…FUCK OFF and DON’T EVER CALL ME AGAIN! JERK!

AMARAVATHY AN ABUSED INDIAN DAUGHTER
Yesterday, on 20TH may 2006, my dad, ma and I drove around Puchong Jaya to visit Baskaran’s family to ask for the minimal things that I’ve been demanding through my lawyer but little did I know that they have moved house. They have moved their mother to a new location – perhaps they were saving her from the traumatic experience of meeting me and my parents – I wonder why? None of the family members that I called came forward to help me despite me crying out and begging for help. All switched off their mobile telephone and took their land lines off the hook. I used this educational opportunity to highlight to my parents not to ever conspire against their own children. Justice needs to be served and I need my life back. Please help me get a divorce from this mad man and his unfair family.

Baskaran have lost a very loving person who had very kindly shared her live with him. Now I want to stand up for my rights and live my life the way I’ve always wanted to. My passion for my work has been re-found and I want to travel the world and fight for the plight of nature and existence as I am part of it.

Here I would like to share a bitter incident that took place in my life at the tender age of 16. I’ve been skirting around this topic for the past 48 hours and that’s the reason I have not been minding my stomach. My stomach hurts when I think about it. From the age of 10, I used to love a man called Kandasamy. He was 19 at that time – 9 years older than me. I was fascinated by him because to my young mind, he was well read and he told me many things on spirituality especially yoga and meditation.

I come from a family of 4 girls Kannagi, Valarmathy & Vanmathy (twins), amaravathy@ Thamilmany (me) and Kaliyaperumal @ Karunanithy (my younger brother). We were all 4-years apart – I don’t know how my parents managed this in a period that condoms were not found in Malaysia. I wish I could speak to my mother on such issues but I can’t because I hate her. I still love my father but I don’t like him for he’s a spineless coward who hides behind my mother’s ass (sorry Sivalingam – now, I only speak to truth!).

I was so bullied by my siblings that I always ended up doing all the house work at home. My family was so poor and we couldn’t afford books and toys. Therefore housework and sitting alone amidst trees in jungles, rubber plantations and bushes were my only past time. I was happy and whole then. Perhaps the following incident will illuminate my families poor financial condition. WE had I piece of chicken on every Wednesday of the week as it was my father’s off day from the Rex Theatre where he was working as a cinema operator. His salary was about RM500 and they had to support 5 children. Is RM500 too little a money in 1977? Someone please advice. Now I feel as if we have been mis-led to believe that we were poor due to my mother expensive and extravagant taste in kitchewear.

I hate my mother because she made me steal plastic jewellary at local Indian shop that sold knick knacks by Mr. Manickam. I hated those moments when she opens her bag and expected me to push knick knacks into the bag when the owner was not looking. My stomach used to hurt as it hurts right now. I was always thin because I could not eat at home because I had such an unhappy childhood – only when I was indoors. I forgot my problems when I was freely roaming the wild jungles of Kuala Pilah then. I spent a lot of time alone and away from home because my siblings hated me. I suppose it was because I always got what I wanted. I always fought hard and long battles with them to get the attention of my parents and for my safety. My sister Vanmathy used to poke my eyes with lidi (what’s English word for this please?) – Rud, it’s a stem found in between coconut leaves. It was so painful that I keep my eyes closed even now when I am in danger.

My brother used to abuse me constantly – he ones hit me hard on the head with a hammer. He also used his bare hands to hit me and pull my hair. The roots of my hair were always weak due to this that I’ve always had very little hair. But I fought hard. Since he had very short hair I used to use my nails to pull his ears until there were nail marks all over the back of his ears. Where were my parents? What were they doing leaving us unprotected and unattended?

Did you know Indian female children have to keep their hair long as it’s a sin to cut it short? I hated that in 1998 I shaved my head bald when I visited a temple at Thruppathi located at Andra Pradesh, South India. It was where Baskaran’s ancestors had come from. I was touring South India with my Japanese boy friend Kazushi Suzuki whom I lovingly called Kazu on a backpacking tour that I had planned for several years. WE had a fantastic time until we reached Kerala were Kazu went berserk because he couldn’t keep with my energetic phase. Guess what I did? I explained to him that this was my pilgrimage and he can fuck off if he wanted to go back to Malaysia. I used to be that independent. I thank my siblings for teaching me to fight hard for what we want. He was cowed and he followed me around without anymore retaliation.

We women should always learn to speak our mind out and get things done our way we because I believe women know better. I our mind is more clear and our instincts are more attuned because of our monthly menstrual cycle that is directly related to the lunar calendar. Since we have no control of our own bodily function – menstrual cycle – it is easy for us not to identified with our body. We can stand out and be the observer that OSHO talks so much about. I have done it.

Actually there are many mis-guided notion out there that says you need to be a man to be enlightened. In my opinion I have become enlightened because I am no longer identified with my body. It was easy for me because I am a women. Am I right? Someone please explain to me?

There is another mis-guided notion that mothers are better off because they have close bonding with another human. It is wrong because this makes you more identified with your body. Being identified with your body keeps you rooted to earth and does not lift you high into the sky where your soul wants to be. It also messes up your entire body structure and system. In addition, the world does not need another mouth to feed. We are running out of food and resources to support ourselves, so please stop over-populating the earth just so that your genes and family name can be brought forward.

As Roald Dahl says in one of his books (baskaran please return all my books) that the world needs a gene pool of intelligent people and artists. In this book the semen – men’s ejaculated liquid – I have to say it this way because the thesaurus in my notebook conveniently left out – perhaps the publishers of the thesaurus too had inner conflict and felt embarrassed about their own bodily functions – I read somewhere that most thesaurus publishers are men and that’s why words related to women are not adequately represented – is this true? Anyway semen of intelligent men, artists, etc. were collected and inseminated into intelligent women to produce only intelligent, beautiful and artistic people. Perhaps we need to weed out the unnecessary. It sounds cold isn’t it? Let’s see what you have to say about my teenage experience.

AMARAVATHY – AN ABUSED, SCHOOL GOING, INDIAN TEENAGE GIRL
As I mentioned above, I loved the man Kandasamy –who claim to be my mother’s younger brother- Indians are so melodramatic that whenever they are close to someone they will try to become their relatives because of the saying blood is thicker than water – does this makes sense – of course blood is thicker than water – where does it say about relatives and bio-fields. To me it is all utter rubbish. The whole is our family – all humans are our siblings – where is our compassion for mankind (another word coined by thesaurus publishers – it should be human kind – can someone help me take them to task and coin new words such has humankind?). Actually I am amazed it myself for continuously avoiding the most bitter topic in my life – still dancing around it.

Anyway, this Kandasamy fucked me from the age of 16.5 – 18 years old. There, now that I’ve said it, it does not lessen the pain. That fucker deserved to have his cock mutilated for what he did to my entire female members of the family – I wonder if he had any affair with my own mother? First he fucked my eldest sister – I knew this because I’ve seen them together and I just know. I was 12 then I think I was jealous because I wanted his attention. The story of Kannagi deserves another page but not now because this is my turn.

Then I believe that he fucked Vanmathy – Van, is this true? I remember Van confessing to me that he had given her a French kiss in 1985 when he was fucking me. It broke my heart but I did not trust any around me to confide in them about my impotent and abused state. In fact I was not even aware that I was being abused – all I knew was that I did not deserve this – I spent all my nights in his house crying to sleep. Did someone ask me what I was doing in his house? I asked the same question to my mother yesterday 22nd May 2007 before I left to Durga’s Restaurant to write my story as I could not be in the company of my parents anymore. This single question made them hate me so much that they have abandoned me in my hour of need and left to Kuala Pilah with my former brother Khairul.

He was penniless (it should be ringgit-less) in Seremban on Sunday 20th may 2006. But drove down yesterday and took them home without even letting me know of it. I got a call from him at 5pm saying that my parents had gone home with him. I told him “FUCK OFF and DON”T EVER CALL ME AGAIN” because he lied an said that he and dad have been calling me but could not get through. They always treat me like a fool because they have no idea of who I am. I came home at 11.30pm to find the front door and windows open and the only set of keys thrown on the floor (where I’ve told them to leave when they left home to Kuala Pilah). I know them and I did not want their company anymore but I was hoping that at least this time around, they will stick around and show their worth as parents. Alas, I was severely disappointed. Since I could no longer live alone in quiet spaces, I’ve taken the last RM5,000 I have (from the sale of my last gold) and moved into Palm Inn Hotel. I love this place because people are nice here and I get to eat whenever I am hungry.

She has never cared about anyone except her son. I brought her here because I missed home cooked food and wanted some tender, loving care from my parents as I don’t want to turn to anyone else. I just wanted to know for the last time that Ms.Thilagavathy Govindasamy (my ma) cared for me. My password in my notebook was sugar – a name I called Baskaran - but now I have changed it to OSHO. Feel the pain Baskaran. I no longer have his mobile no. registered under sugar in my tel. It is now plain Baskaran.

Obviously my mother does not care for me. Did you know that on Monday night (21/5/07), after furiously typing away for 9 hrs I went to the kitchen to eat, she left no food for me to eat. I just wanted to kill myself there and then…I was that disappointed. They both had eaten bread and she did not even bother to ask if I wanted to eat. She made a big show of watching her Tamil Drama serial 1 foot away from the TV just to show me that she needs glasses (she has been demanding for me to take her for cataract operation) when she watches movies 6 feet away in Kuala Pilah. I’ve noticed her reading newspapers from her lap but when she notices me watching her, she keeps the newspaper so close to her eyes – what a drama queen – I just got to know my mother for what she is. Furthermore, she knew that I could not work in noisy environment, hence I fixed the headphones for her to watch her serial. She had no regards for my father and took that headphones and sat so close to the tv and ignored the both of us. This is how we have been feeling our entire life – ignored and abandoned – I speak for my father because he has never stood up and spoke for himself. I feel sorry for him and I will continue to fight for him as he represents the former me.

Can you see how cleverly I skirted around Kandasamy’s story? It is now 4.30pm and I need to go to the current unit that I abandoned last night to collect some personal belonging before the sun sets as I believe it is haunted. I am going to go up with the helper who works at the provision shop down stairs as I don’t want to be alone there. Thinking about entering the house gives me the shivers. I need help because I believe I am creating this fear into real life situation. Why can’t I be alone at night? I feel like the whole world is haunted. Is this true? Or am I possessed as my mother thinks? Or am I insane as my father thinks? Do you see how the bio-field we talk about can erode our own confidence in us? Why don’t I want to be in that apartment unit? I think because it reminds me so much of my haunted house in Kuala Pilah. I need to leave the room now as I am very scared. What is this fear? Bye!

I could not leave the room as the voices in my head would not allow me to run away this time around. I need to write this now. I was sexually attracted to Kandasamy even at the age of 10 years old. “The unconscious of an infant is as developed as that of a man”, Paranjothi Subramaniam, November 2006. Is this true? Can a 10 year old know about sexual attraction if he/she was not exposed to sex? NO! Mr. Subramaniam, where did you get this information. Please stand behind your statement and answer my confused mind? Is this true? Let me tell you what I think, you have no idea about what you are saying or doing, do you?