AMARAVATHY EXPOSED - PART 2

Dear Friends,

POST SCRIPT - A RENDEZVOUS WITH RESTORAN NASI KANDAR PELITA
I am writing this sitting along the road parallel to Ampang Point at the Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita, a 24hr food establishment that also provides hotel services-the 3 floors above the restaurant. I am very happy to be here because I can exercise my passion for writing in a vast and open space with only the sky as my roof and having a hot cup of Nescafe kurang manis, nipis (less sweetened and thin – is this the proper translation?). I now live on the 2nd floor of this establishment that houses Hotel Palm Inn that provides clean and quiet environment for RM90 per night. If you are wondering what I am doing here, I’ve abandoned my flats unit that I was renting for RM500 per month at Permai Court 2 because I am afraid to be alone.

I have about RM4800 in my possession until I find another job to sustain myself or sell my insurance policy that may worth – PERHAPS RM10000 - I don’t know because Baskaran has all the information related to my life insurance policy at AIA.

I’ve written a lot here but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Some pieces are very painful to be mentioned that I am still skirting around them. Some pieces here have made me absolutely contented just to mention them. However there is just this one piece that made me burst out laughing at Durgas Restaurant where I was writing until 10pm last night, 22nd May 2007 (Tues) – it was on an incident that happened earlier this year. It was on how I threatened Baskaran and made him very scared of me just to obtain some personal space and freedom. This is the sorry state Indian women are at. I have made a mark there so that all women out there can laugh at it too.

Do you have adequate personal space and freedom? Do you even know what it means? I’ve spoken to many women, especially Indian women of Baskaran’ family and Self Awareness Society – they have no idea what personal space is freedom is all about. They feel guilty even to take a little time out from their nagging family.

‘EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY BUT NONE OURSELF CAN FREE OUR MIND’, Bob Marley, a Marijuana Addict (is this information correct?), died don’t know how (does anyone know? Please tell me).

AMARAVATHY=PAVITHRAN (PAVIN)=HAFEZ BIN ABDULLAH
It is now 10pm on 23rd May 2006 (I write this to keep track of time and date as I am cought by this fiery passion to write away all that is coming to my mind totally unaware of everything around me) and I was just approached by 2 young boys of 10 and 12 years old (I think) wearing cheap and dirty clothes asking me money and I had to tell them to go away because Baskaran had always told me not to support them as it was a syndicate. My heart hurts and eyes tear when I look at them because they remind me of my young nephew.

It is now 10.08am on 24th May 2006, waiting for my room service breakfast that comes free (I have a RM5 voucher that my dear friend Ruby – the receptionist/a-divorcee/single-mother-of-2-children-since-the-age-of-23-years-old going to redeem for me as they require me to go downstairs to order food but she is helping so that I can be her voice too). I am having toast and Nescafe today because finally I can get to eat whatever I feel like. I don’t have to follow Baskaran like a cow and have only tosai, Idly, vadai, etc. that Indian Restaurants serve. I was completely lost!

This is how much he had fucked with my mind. I need to emancipate from my mental slavery. Hence I am writing. What are you going to do? I need to take a shit now as I’ve been suffering from constipation and can’t afford fruit juices served down below because they cost a whopping RM3.50. What am I to do?

It is now 10pm on 23rd May 2006 – cont. from above.
I am stifling my sobs here because the restaurant is full of people and I don’t want to attract their attention – which I am already failing because I am the only one working here - I had just told another salesman with a CD of don’t know what - to go away rudely because I am writing and still hurting and thinking of Pavithran, now a confused muslim known as Hafez Abdullah. What about me? Who is hurting for me?

I am an Indian abused women of 40 years old – by the way Pavithran has just turned 8 this year – I just remembered that he is so young and had gone through so much in life – just as I was in 1976 – growing up in a miserable home located at Kuala Pilah - actually I wanted to say ‘surviving a miserable existence’ but my inner guru will not allow that because the flow should not be stopped. However the flow has been stopped because I have many blocks that need to be cleared – I am suffering in silence – there are many things that I can’t recall because they are too painful for me.

I was made a thief at a tender age of 10 (I think) because we were so poor. My parents are still extremely poor – you should see my parents physical condition – it is bad – they both have skin infection, diabetes, high cholesterol. In addition, my mother has high blood pressure. They are under nourished because I had forsaken them when I got married to Baskaran on 7th July 2002 – a bitter incident in my life as it was only attended by a handful of ex-colleagues, my sister Valarmathy and her in-laws (who stood in as my parents) and all of Baskaran’s family and loved ones.

I am a victim of severe manipulation! My family is a victim of manipulation too! We need justice! Pavithran is a thief – just as I was when I was 10 years old because of my parents extremely poor financial situation.

Malaysia is going to achieve the Developed Status in the year 2020 – what year is this now? - 2007 – why don’t my aged parents (father 82 yrs old and mother 64 yrs old) get any aid? Where is Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC) when we need them most? Is it because it is not election time? My father is an ardent supporter of Dr. Samy Vellu? Why is he still undernourished with poor medical background, living way below the stipulated poverty line (What is it now RM1200 x per month)? The only income my parents had until last month was the RM500 per month that I provided - which Pavin too shared until November 2006. Is this fair?

My mother had just received her citizenship – can’t remember when as they no longer keep in touch with me. Do you know that she never had voting rights until recently and she’s too old to care about anything – anyway I don’t know anything about my mother as Indian families do not foster such personal and intimate relationships? Can you share your fuck stories with your mother? I couldn’t although I would love to. Why? Lets go into that later.

I have abused them to an extent that they left my house open and abandoned me in my hour of need. We had only 1 set of keys and my house was left unattended with doors and windows open and key thrown on the floor at the entrance for 7 hrs. I could have been robbed last night. Why is this happening? Because I abandoned them to write this story and told them to throw the key there when they left KL yesterday. I did not leave them any money but advised them to call my brother from Seremban (Hafez bin Abdullah’s father Khairul bin Abdullah – is your name correct Tambi?). He was formerly known as Kaliyaperumal @ Karunanithy s/o Sivalingam.

When I came home at 11.00pm last night - Durga’s closed at 10pm and I had to go to an internet café and send out the rest of the fax copies of the police report I had made on Baskaran s/o Balaraman on 24th April 2007 seeking police protection in fear of losing my life. Baskaran is still my husband although I want to be freed from his tyranny. I sent out the fax copies to all those people who still want to be my friend in search of legal and financial aid.

My heart still hurts thinking of Pavin because he was just slapped hard on the face by his discipline teacher at his school located in Seremban. The slap was so hard that the boy fainted and the school had to rush him to the hospital. The discipline teacher apologized to my brother and Pavin and Pavin felt so sorry for him that he told him it’s ok and let him go. Does Pavin know his right as a child of 8 years old? Does my brother Khairul know his responsibility as a parent? The discipline teacher and my brother are friends now – according to Pavin and Khairul. Where is the headmistress of this school? No one knows because she doesn’t care? Who is going to speak for this boy? He now lives with his a muslim convert step mother of 24 years old and muslim convert father. Where is Pavin’s mother, he has never seen her due to Khairul’s treachery? I don’t know the details as I am an outcast in my own family.

I heart is crying out loud to help Pavin as I see myself in him but I am IMPOTENT. I don’t have a job but I have a shit smelling unit at a low cost flats built for the poor and voiceless squatter settlers of Ampang Jaya by the Majlis Perbandaran Ampang Jaya. Who is going to represent them and me and my parent and pavin and the whole world?

Who am I? I am a jobless and abused Indian child/daughter/teenager/wife/daughter-in-law/ex-marijuana-addict/staff/would-be-divorcee/fortunately-childless-women of 40 years old living in a cheap hotel and working by the road side of Ampang Point, seeking justice from various parties involved in my life, including the Executive Director of Global Environment Centre (GEC).

I have a story to tell all. Do you want to listen to me? I have been ignored all my life. I want to be heard. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME? I am so angry with the whole world that I am jabbing my key board so hard that my aged notebook may retaliate but she is the only friend I’ve chosen to have at this dark and desolate moment of my life because I don’t trust anyone, not even my 82 year old father.

But I am not longer afraid of humankind (I will never use another sexist word such as mankind ever again, hence I coined this word – humankind – did I? or was this in existence and I am merely copying – please let me know). However I have an unconscious fear of something that I don’t understand. I am afraid of dark and small places. I am also afraid of unknown shadows, cockroaches, lizards, used sanitary napkins, leftover foods, hotel rooms, any places that has 4 walls, dark alleys, quiet and lonely times, my mother, Baskaran, his mother, his family, Kandasamy, world at large…what is happening? I don’t understand myself sometimes. I just said that I am no longer afraid of humankind – doesn’t my mother, Baskaran, his family, Kandasamy (a man who raped me at the tender age of 16.5 until 18 at his haunted house in Kuala Pilah) come under the title of humankind. You decide after reading some of my experiences.

My battery is dying and I have to brave my heart and go to the room above .

I had just come back from my hotel room… I wanted to go to the nearest internet café to use my thumb drive and type away. Since I need to fight my fears and it costs a whopping RM5 per hour, my feet took me back to my room where I had to take a pee. This is the first time I am mentioning this private affair in writing and it is a joyful experience.

I had just come back to the restaurant and invaded the privacy of a middle-aged but good looking man who is having naan just a foot away from my work station. I now have to use the faulty adapter that Baskaran had bought for me (don’t know when as the receipt is in a file at home – I think). He bought it for me because he had abused my adapter by twisting it hard into a tight not – as he has twisted my heart hard and tight throughout the past 7 years.

I now have short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction but I don’t know what to do about it as I have a war to wage against all those that have taken advantage of my innocence by coming clean to the public.

I had to invade his (the good looking middle aged man) privacy here because the power point is here at a wall closest to this table where he was eating. I don’t know if he had enjoyed his food because I am here. I don’t feel good about it because I don’t like my personal space to be invaded but I allowed it all this while because I have been a helpless victim – I had lied on the floor and let men and women step all over me – according to a friend Sharon Hariharan, whose friendship I forsook for Baskaran, all Indian women are like that and little did I know that I was one. I don’t think I look a tamil girl and I never identified myself with Indians until I got married.

I suddenly feel so drained and tired because I have not slept well in days. I’ve been running from one place to another seeking the company of people to write this story. It is scary. It scares me. I am now afraid of anything that moves – not all of the time but sometimes in the middle of the night. I am determined to find out what it is about. Apparently my fears will leave me if I can remove my mental blocks and tell people exactly what has happened to me. I can’t remember many of the things that had happened to me because I have successfully blocked them from remembering so that I can have some peace of mind. But the voices in my head will not let me rest until I unburdened.

My bony ass is hurting from all the sitting and also due to lack of fat. Baskaran would have loved to look at them now as he always thought I had fat ass…isn’t this true Baskaran? I am 5 feet 2.5inches tall and used to weight 50-55 kgs when I was with Baskaran. Is this fat? I thought I looked plump, so did the people whom attended a higher spiritual course at Pedu lake Resort with me in late 2005.

I did not feel sexy because Baskaran hardly saw me. He rather watch Paris Hilton and Lionel Richie’s (is his name correctly spelled) daughter on the telly. Could any Indian women beat Paris Hilton…I couldn’t at that time. But now I look divine because I weight less than 40kg and have gone natural – I no longer use make up, visit expensive saloons, shower twice a day, and use perfume but I look DIVINE. I no longer watch the telly or read books. I have PhD courses running in my head conducted by various tones of my own voices.

I keep the receipts of all my purchases – filed away neatly according to category – major ones. What happens to smaller ones like food, petrol, etc.? They go on a spreadsheet in my notebook that I regularly update – the man had just walked away.

As a poor Indian child/teenager/women I have always had my private space invaded by all those I know because I neither knew/know my rights nor knew how to care and protect myself. Isn’t this what Pavin is going through (unaware)? Isn’t this how the whole world is going through? Are children aware of their rights? Who is teaching children like Pavin to protect themselves? I want to but I can’t because I have to learn to take care of myself first.

AMARAVATHY THE DISCIPLE OF SELF AWARENESS CENTRE
I have a burning question to ask you. “The Unconscious of An Infant is As Developed as the Unconscious of the Mature” – please correct this statement if I have placed it wrong – quoted by Paranjothi Subramaniam during one of the Group Meditation in 2004 – How many of you believe this. I am sorry to mention this here because it is only understood by the disciples of Self Awareness Society (SAC) – a spiritual organization registered as society and located at Taman Desa, Old Klang Road. What do you understand by this?

What is unconscious here? Isn’t this our suppressed desires – mainly sex? Can a child rape? Can a child molest? Can a child peep? What would an infant know but what we teach them right? Please make me understand this statement because I can’t accept this. Mr. Subramaniam what is your sir name and where did you get this statement? This statement has been haunting me since the year 2004, WHY? I don’t know.

I will tell you why? At the age of 16.5, I was still an innocent child. I did not know what was happening to me. Kandasamy used my body without me knowing what was happening to me. Do you understand? Where was my unconscious at that time? Why was I crying to sleep every night? Why was it emotionally traumatic? Why did I not enjoy it? Was it because my unconscious was not developed? Please answer me? There is more to this but I can’t address it right now as it is unclear.

I am no longer confused. You have been cheating the innocent Indian public telling them lies that you pick out and misunderstand from various books. If OSHO was alive, he would have taken you to task! Hence I am taking you to task. Because I am the follower of OSHO and I had a vision of taking you to task. You take most of what OSHO says and mis-guide the Indian society. I am going to illuminate all your flaws and drag you in the mud as you have done with me.

Have you any idea how many Indian women’s heart you are breaking and have broken? We come home and end up being our husbands sex slaves! Was this what you wanted? Did you want your wife to be your sex slave? Have you empowered your wife to become the female guide that the Indian female society needs. Is it true that she snares young, lost and beautiful Indian women for your pleasure while she hides and dances with walls and wolves?

She must be one of the most abused women I have ever met. Is she even aware of it? Do you have awareness on human rights issues? Akka, you should leave him and be with your loving children and “Have A Festive Life” as you are such a beautiful person. He is ruining your happiness and I have seen it. You and I should not suffer anymore. We are both abused by men. Same goes to many women I met at SAC. Please ask your husbands to fuck off with their paid sex workers and lovers – if possible, inform the lovers to leave them to rot and perhaps we should all turn to lesbians…ha!ha! I am finally Having A Nutty Festive Season (THIS IS THE LABEL OF THE NATURAL NUT COCKTAIL THAT I AM STUFFING RIGHT NOW) writing this…I feel liberated!

Akka, let us close down SAC and have a party traveling around the world doing social work. I know that we are alike but you are still trapped. Your daughter should not end up like us. Let us wake up and smell the Coffee! Its time to ask the men to Fuck Off and help young women find themselves. Let us not help men anymore because they take and take and take and never give anything in return. We are left with nothing but a broken heart and soul. We need redemption.

Bob Marley said “Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery, None But Ourselves Can Free Our Mind, Have No Fear for Humanity (Is this what he said as I have short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction) As None of Us Can Save the Time (betulkah?), How Long Shall We Kill Our Prophets While We Stand Aside and Look…” Was OSHO Killed by the US Government?

Akka, was OSHO killed by the US Government? Can an enlightened Guru be killed? Wouldn’t existence take good care of him? Please ask Mr. Subramaniam to read “Osho – the Spiritually Incorrect Mystique”…I spent about 1 full minute to recall the title of this book – this is what marijuana addiction does. I know some of you are fighting this addiction, lets help each other. Read on and understand how I have helped myself wean off marijuana. I can help you but not now because I have a war to wage against the society and a little boy to safe. I will somehow sleep better if he’s with me. Alas, he’s so far away living a miserable existence.

Mr. Subramanian, your teachings almost landed me in a mental institution. I trusted you to be my Guru and that was the biggest mistake I made. Baskaran is still lost because of you. Do you know the outcome of your teachings? You are merely satisfying your suppressed needs through your paying, innocent, Indian disciples. You are unfit to conduct any courses but 7-Day Transformational Journey (7-DTJ) course because it made a positive change in my life. If you don’t stop conducting your Darkside Conferences, I will take you to task and close SAC down.

It is so hard for me talk about the performance …… I would like share something extremely painful with you but it is very hard. I performed a strip show and striped all my clothes down to just bra and panties for a group of 23 including Mr. Subramaniam and his wife. There were 11 men and 12 women there – I was the only one who did a solitary show as I could not let another man touch my body. It felt so awkward and demeaning but we were forced to perform something shocking, something from our unconscious. I did this because Baskaran had stopped seeing me and I needed to be seen and appreciated. In a way it helped but it made me hate myself and Baskaran and my life with him!

Men there found me exotic because I had used black garter belt and black laced undies. Since I had fair complexion (due to lack of exposure to the sun that I love so dearly) I looked good. I was trembling and shaking like a leaf but somehow managed a short number lasting for perhaps 2 minutes. I have yet to forgive myself for this. My body felt violated. Since then, I had stopped eating much and have lost about 15 Kg. My body is mourning for my lost soul. I became divided. Am I still divided? Let’s find out later because I still don’t know.

I almost killed myself because it went against all of my principles – women are not sexual objects made for men’s pleasure. The conflict that I am facing right now is ‘I needed to be seen’ but I still cannot accept the fact that I did not respect my body because I am such a private person. Baskaran’s lack of attention has turned me into an attention craving, spineless women who took shit and put with the nonsense that took place during that class. Women and men were totally treated as sexual objects.

I have such high regard for our unconscious but Mr. Subramaniam has very low and animalistic regard for peoples unconscious. That’s why he should not conduct DKs. In addition, he is prejudiced against women and has zero idea of women’s rights. He wants women to be slaves - born to please men. There’s so much I can say here but I’ll save it for later. Can I have some money to write more about this? I need to eat you know.

Fortunately I have found my inner guide through my Guru OSHO’s teachings. Why are you selling OSHOs name in your advance courses. Are you fit to conduct Darkside Conferences (DK)? Dr. Brugh Joy whom you call your mentor mentioned you in either of his books Joys Way or Avalanche – I am not sure/can’t remember – Baskaran, please return my books as I am (I wanted to say -so lost but stopped because I am no longer lost – the word is – I need them)..

If I am not mistaken, he says that there are Gurus trying to teach people the way but they are inadequate – be patient with them as they mean well! In my opinion, Dr.Joy is worried about Mr. Subramaniam’s involvement in spirituality. Can someone out there fund me to meet Dr. Joy at California and ask his opinion of his teachings being preached and practiced at Darkside Conferences? Information in Avalanche is used as the foundation of this programme and I need Dr. Joys opinion on Mr. Subramaniam. You can’t cheat me anymore Mr. Subramaniam because I am no longer afraid of you using Mahan’s name to intimidate us.

Naga, you attended Dr. Brugh Joys class and DK1 – is this fair? Are Dr. Joys teachings appropriately presented? Why are Darkside Conferences called DK and not DC, is this to mislead the public and the authorities. Can anyone advise me on the religious organizations that I can approach to lodge a formal complain against Mr. Subramaniam if he does not stop conducting his DK courses? Why do you call yourself the facilitator of advance programs when you clearly spoke about your authority as a GURU during your birthday speech at Penang in early 2006? I need an answer for that Mr. Subramaniam or I am going to haunt you. One of the reasons I am alone and afraid of being alone is because of you! I have haunted my own self all my life and it would be easy for me to haunt you.

It is now 3.45am on 24th May 2007 (Thursday) I am eating Natural Nut Cocktail off a recyclable plastic container that I bought at the George Town Pharmacy at Ampang Point on a single bed with my notebook on my lab. We are not to support the plastic industry (read on for more information) but do we have a choice? Can someone fund an awareness program for the public to empower them to pressure the government to phase out plastics and Styrofoam and find alternate materials like cloth/paper bags, etc. However, the Tong Garden Snack Food aught to be lauded for their effort in using recyclable plastic containers. Syabas!

Mr. Subramanian….GURUVEH SHARANAM (English Translation - Surrender to your GURU)…do you know what this means? You have no idea as you have never experienced your own inner guru right? Are you an enlightened GURU? Why can’t we speak about it? Why can’t we speak about our own spiritual experiences with you? Because you are ill equipped to advice us right? Do you know what is ASTRAL TRAVELLING? You have no idea do you? (Baskaran, please return my books as I still have short term memory lost and I can’t remember the title of the book here. It is 24th May, 10.53 am and I got it – its is “Psychology of the Esoteric” published by OSHOs Foundation – I think).

I need to email this out to you right now because I’ve been promising to send you my story since Monday 21th May 2006. Actually I have another 50 pages ready to be sent out but I can’t do it yet as I need to be clear. I have edited the first 25 pages as part 1. Would you like to receive it today? Please sms me and I will send it out soon.

Actually I think I have so much to write … PERHAPS another 5000 pages…I was woken up from eons of sleep and never want to stop writing. But I need to prepare my CV – Baskaran please give me my documents and the money that we owe the bank. If I pay for the car RM1110 and the outstanding 2 months – RM25000, I am left with very little to survive. Minimum payment for Citibank is about RM500 and CIMB RM100 – not sure because I have no time to call them or pay bills.

My Maxis (my only mode of communication) is going to terminate my account because my bill has just exceeded the amount of RM250 deposit that we paid in 2005 when we almost came to a separation. I need to pay RM175 plus RM560 (this month) to AIA. Please help me. You know we owe the banks. Own up to your part of the bargain.

Somebody please help me sell my car, its Kia Spectar (registration number WKB 3303 – which I personally chose at JPJ) bought in May 2002. All details are at my haunted unit at Desa Permai.

Would you like to read my life experience in writing? In what language? Would you like to watch it as a movie – Tamil, English or Malay? Please let me know. I still have not decided how I want to feature this. I would like your opinion because I consider you a friend and need to know if the public can accept me for who I am. I want the whole world to hear me. Please advice.

I AM SO TIRED BUT AM THANKFUL TO EXISTENCE FOR ALLOWING ME SUCH A SHARP MIND (IN ADDITION TO BEING AN EX-MARIJUANA ADDICT WITH SHORT TERM MEMORY) AND BE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO HELP US SEE OURSELVES FOR WHO WE ARE. GOOD MORNING. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY AS THE SKY IS SO CLEAR AND OF BEAUTIFUL BLUE.