some toilteraries an dam now going to the cu
I really am not sure because at that time, I believe Valarmathy was already married to Sathiamoorthy and have begun to live in hell. Isn’t our world a living HELL.
BASTARD PRODUCERS OF TAMIL MOVEIES
Please ignore the above … they’re being created … later…lets expose me first
Dear Friends,
Due to the shocking nature of the way this article has flowed, I will not be expecting any response from you as I have just decided not to check my emails and/or communicate with the public until I am accepted for who I am. How? I don’t know. I leave it to you…please support/nourish me to continue my work.
AMARAVATHY EXPOSED – DARK SIDE CONFERENCE 2 – FACILITATOR cum GURU – OSHO’S LOVER – THE AMARAVATHY
I love talking but I have gone into silence because I don’t want my flow to be cut…alas I need to order food and when I meet cute guys..my mouth moves on its on…how
I am listening to a very solemn hindi song and the melody is so beautiful that I feel so sad, my heart hurts and I am quiet… now that its over, lets move on…just observe how contradictory I am…the world must know…r u prepared for me
Do you know I title my articles after writing them as I don’t know what’s gonna come pouring out from the basement/up-above-within/without/…….flow is cut…coz someone just snapped a pix – don’t know of who and I don’t care!
A voice in my head just asked me (my apple juice found its way to my table and the waiter is writing the price of my Nescafe which I had at don’t know what time…don’t know what time I came here)
‘amaravathy….ooohhh…be careful…people are wondering what you’re writing…they might get upset with us….’
My answer to you ‘don’t’ I have the right to sit wherever I want to type whatever I want? Isn’t this world free?
Friends, …Isn’t the world a stage and me the …what…what did shakespear (shake the pear) said ‘am laughing so hard’ …. ACTOR? Are we all actors? What a load of crab? Please re-think what ‘shake the pear’ said…ha!ha!ha!I AM SO HAPPY TODAY. I think I found another piece of myself today. The more I write the more I am recreating myself.
Friends, What a beautiful world and what a beautiful time I am having…my voice says…tell the truth…ANOTHER VOICE SAYS…the truth is ‘WE ARE BEAUTIFUL’…who is we? WE=I.
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What’s the date today? Lemme check my friend OSHO….4.29am
I have just completed the piece below and its 4.05am at Restaurant Nasi Kandar Pelita and the ambience is festive…really…you should be here…its absolutely fun. The place is filled with beautiful people of Malaysia having a wonderful time with their companions and friends. I am sitting here with my best friend – my notebook and having a gala time writing and reading…I LOVE MYSELF as I have had such a colorful life in this country full of colourful people/food/places/beaches/bitches/bastards – just like anywhere else – minus the beach – they are absolutely magnificent…must tell you ..
UNLIKE WHAT THE SHAKE THE PEAR SAID ‘all the world is my home and all its people are my siblings’…lovely isn’t it. I have so much of compassion to offer, please don’t mess me up (please read (http://amaravathy1@blogspot.com.) on the treachery of a local indian journalist.
FINALLY I can say that I have very little regrets…. My regret is that I’ve had 2 abortions – both in my twenties (I took awhile to think about it because I have short term memory loss (stml) due to ganja addiction…people are watching me but do I care? I don’t because I am comfortable with myself…are you? Have you got skeletons in your cupboard? I think Nigel Williams talked about it in his fiction ‘Wimbledon Poisoner’ ..(thanks for that book Sharon) … you want to know what’s it about? It’s all about this guy scheming ways to murder his wife and there’s just one piece of dark humour that comes to my mind right now..its all about dark humour
“this guy jumps over the fence, sneaks into his neighbor’s house to don’t know what. Then this fat women of a neighbor – single lady – comes home. Guess where he hides? In her cupboard (am laughing) in her bedroom amidst her large clothes and peeps out. She comes homes, switches on the music in her bedroom with him watching, “wan tana mera….ariya wan tana mera…’, strips off all her clothes and dances like a whore (ooopppsss…paid sex worker – what a mouth full)…I don’t know why but this scene has seen me through some sad times as it makes me snigger…it makes me happy…wonder why?
Coz she’s fat and he was a captive …ha!ha! now I know…padan muke (in English it means serves you right)…ha!ha! Baskaran you must kena (means ‘get’) one like this ….ha!ha!ha! Have I gone politically incorrect here…please advice…I don’t mean offence to any party and I APOLOGIZE TO ALL FAT PEOPLE OF THE EARTH INCLUDING MY MOTHER …sorry!
I am shaking in laughter but must control as the public here is not ready for me…already they are talking about me sitting in this little corner jabbing away sniggering/laughing .. one man just mimicked me typing to his friends…don’t know what he means…they must think I am a drama queen – just as the wani from the STAR thought I was…coz women in their 40s (will be turning 40 on 18/7/1967 – more another time) love to sit alone in crowded nasi kandar places alone, at 4am and type away is it? Jealous is it? Why don’t you leave your husbands warm …don’t know what and come here and be with me now…get to know me-lah before attacking….haiyah! what a waste…
Is his cock big enough for you…sorry ,…just couldn’t help it. Want to know the size of Baskaran’s cock….Did you know when you do pranayama (breathing exercise thought by Self Awareness Centre – is it still in operations?) they teach you to pull all your privates inwards for a count of 16 and outwards for another 16 with some other complex hand/finger movements… it goes on for about 20min (I think – forgot as I was a former ganja addict) … did you know what it did to me…I was doing it for about …am thinking…ganja addict ma (Chinese colloqial way of saying it)….1 year no 2 years and I got really tight…just deleted some stuff…the world is not ready for me….maybe later…when you get to know me and love me the way I love myself…are you ready for me? ARE YOU READY FOR ME?!@*&*&%$#@
Saw….there’s so much to tell…what to do….must prepare CV and apply for work…pay bills etc… give me money he!he!he!...am laughing and sniggering away…I am on the roll today…thank you wani … you have helped me find AMARAVATHY3 OSHO LOVER…
Do You Masturbate….reading this again, I almost choked on the apple juice.. maybe I shouldn’t read what I say before blogging (can we create this word…it sounds nice).
Enuff for now…I really hope that ….I think I should really stop now as I am attracting a lot of attention because I am cute and beautiful and am laughing alone with my friend the notebook – I am going to call her … what uh! What do you think? Of course OSHO…I wanted to write OSHO immediately but the voice in my head thought that I should ask you first… isn’t OSHO apt…you will agree with me later if not now……… keep reading me…you will unburden your unconscious…
there’s a real cute girl (malay) – small sized and cute assed (not better than mind) keeps turning her head to check out my exposed legs…do you think she would want to fuck me with a dildo…Baskaran, want to invite her for a threesome? Did you and Ravi kumar have 3some with GROs? Hhhmmmmmmmmm The world is not ready for me….I think I need protection. What do you think? Ha!ha! I AM A FORCE OF NATURE! I AM GOD! Don’t FUCK WITH ME PUBLIC…LEARN FROM ME AS I HAVE A MESSAGE TO GIVE…SCARY UH!
Now you know why I sit with a restaurant full of people to write about myself. Why do you think I sleep at 7am – 12 noon – when the sun goes up? I scare myself. I think the girls are Indonesian as they have olive colored skin…my favorite color…oops…I don’t want to fuck them, I am hetero…I only like dicks not cunts…aiyoh the world is really not ready for me…what to do-lah! Nuff for today I think…let see where the flow takes me…this is really fun you know….the voice says
“giveeee meeeeee meoeny………needdddddddddtoooooooooeataeeataeat”
IS THIS MY DARKSIDE? HAS SHE BEEN SUPPRESSED FOR SO LONG THAT SHE’S BACK WITH A VENGEANCE!
Did you watch Tolkiens ‘Lord of the Rings”? My memory is really bad, actually the truth is I have not had good rest/sleep…will write another time about this … the elf queen at the woods of lothlorien, when she takes Frodo to the water basin and asks him to view his future…Frodo offers his RING to her and what happens…go watch…she grows so BIG and ECHO’s…I am not going to tell…go watch…the producer better give me money for food for this one…I think I maybe experiencing something like that…please write in and help me understand.
“A Women is more POWERFUL and EVIL as she is BEAUTIFUL and CAN have the Entire WORLD at her FEET …..” forgot…it will come …another time
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We need a new ruling on breeding children and abusing them (as my 10 year old nephew Pavin/Hafez bin Abdullah). My beloved Pavithran, the only child I love is in pain and in need of help. I can’t help him yet as I need to be able to sustain myself first. This one is causing a lot of pain in my heart. That boy is crying out for help…GOD please help him. I am crying as I am writing this because he is suffering. He is an abused child – abused by his own mother who left him unattended at her mom’s poor home in an estate at the tender age of 3 month old. Since then he has been picked by his father and dragged all over Negeri Sembilan and Kuala Lumpur including pubs and at places that shows porn. He was left unattended for days at strangers house until he was 3 years old.
I took care of him and loved him from the age of 1 – 2 years old. Baskaran manipulated me into believing that the boy is the responsibility of my brother. Apparently my brother ought to be though the responsibility of being a single parent. So we moved out from the flats that I have been renting from my cousin Kalai (would family members charge their own kind?) to an apartment that Baskaran is still staying at (I’m not sure where he’s staying now). This arrangement suited me fine because my brother started abusing me once again – cheating me off money and selling my name to get business contracts, etc. People started calling me asking if my brother had stolen their slippers when he went there to do electrical/wiring work. I could not stand the abuse as my hair was turning white due to all the stress. More later….
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MY GOD…WHAT A CONTRADICTION I AM!
KAZU AT PANTAI DALAM
Do you know that I need to color my hair every month because most of it had turned white? Actually it happened when Kazu moved into my low cost flats that I was renting from Kalai in 1998. I think we were there together for about 6 months before he went to Japan and decided continue his studies in Australia. Did you know that all my neighbors belong to a low income group of Indian and Kazu was the only foreigner. Can you imagine a short and stocky (very well built as he was a gym instructor) Japanese man with the most loveliest brown eyes I have even seen carting in and out of the low cost apartment holding my hands. I then, used to dress in jeans and tee-shirt mostly as I was not bothered much about the way I looked. It was fascinating because Kazu wanted to learn so much about Indians and thought that I was exotic. I wish I can share some fuck stories here, unfortunately my guru will not allow it as it may offend some mild mannered readers. The world is not ready for me.
Now my guru has taken a different turn…
Now, what was Kazu doing with me at Pantai Dalam? We were having a jolly good time. Unfortunately I found it difficult to share my life with him as the house was too small and I needed bigger personal space. I started picking on him on minor, minor things that irritated me. For example, when he did his laundry, he would not mix the soap powder well in water that white substance were found at the bottom of pails. Poor man must have felt abused by my constant scowling at the way he did household chores. (I laughed until my spit shot out of my mouth on to OSHO’s keyboard). His clothes, since big and thick (most of them were from US where he studied) were most of the time damp and one of things I hate most in the world is damp clothes because they smell bad. Kazu was teaching English (I think) at the Japanese Institution at Mont Kiara and was living at Palm Court Studio Apartment when we met at the Sri Damansara gym frequented by my ex-friend Mania Herath.
When I went there for the first time with Manika (then, my gym was located at PJ Hilton – Clark Hatch) because I wanted to try a new establishment, I found Kazu’s eyes magnetic and we could not take our eyes off each other. I told Manika to arrange for us to meet...can’t remember… He too wanted to meet me through Manika but I was not interested because I was just happy being alone.
Manika, please confirm who did what ‘Manika Herath was a friend (Sri Lankan Buddhist and Malaysian who I met in 1988 at Universiti Kebangsaan Malaysia – ‘National University of Malaysia’ when we were studying for Bachelor of Arts Degree) until earlier this year due to reasons I am not going to share with you as Manika is not going to be dragged into my darkside revealation/exposure..she’s married to the …severely in my opinion…most,most,most conservative man I’ve ever known on earth.
Well, you dig your own grave…you have no choice but to lie in it…I… hmmmm *sigh* what a world we live in… this is another story but am not touching it until I run out of resources … never…suddenly I feel so sober. Why? Cannot share. I am hurting, that’s why? Manika, Come Home to KL, I am here for YOU. You too didn’t know me Manika. What do you think of me now? Are you hiding under your bed for knowing/befriending me? Is Arjuna forcing you to go to work (I am writing this very quietly)?
However Polly, a girl of Chinese origin that (Sharon introduced me to) I had met with Sharon, wanted as companion as she was very, very lonely and unhappy. Hence I took Kazu on a date to Bangsar, met Polly there and feigned an urgent telephone call from Kalai my cousin [I had arranged with him to give me a call at that time – can’t remember what I told him to get him to do that – see, anneh (Tamil word for ‘big brother’), how easily you are manipulated] and left them there alone to get to know each other. I don’t know what happened between them but I believe they spend a weekend together and broke off. Actually I really don’t know and I don’t care. Kazu/Polly what happened uh? Polly told me but cannot remember…did you know that I never asked you anything about you and Polly and you never mentioned, why uh? Really, I don’t care. I think…..
However, Kazu continued to pursue me through Manika (I think) and we started dating. Before I met Kazu, I’ve had several sexual relationships with men. Actually I can’t remember any of the actual action except Baskaran, perhaps because it had lasted for 7 years and most of the times it was good. He was a calculative lover – ‘you give me one and I give you one’ – you know what I mean when I say that the society is not ready for me.
Actually my life is so colorful that I don’t know if I should talk about these issues but you must know me. Just before I met Kazu, I was having a sexual relationship with Parames – a young boy of 21 then – I would call it a short stint because I dumped him like a sack of potato outside the McDonalds at Bangsar – an affluent/hype/watering hole/pubs/expensive food/place in Kuala Lumpur. I am laughing as I am writing this because he made a very huge mistake … his friends had advised him that he had to control me because I consumed alcohol, smoked cigarettes, and laughed a lot..oh! forgot..danced a lot too- sexily and ….you-know-how. Apparently they all got together (all male members – probably scheming ways to control and manipulate women to do their bidding – sex slaves uh!?) and got drunk at Hotel Prince (I think) at Masjid India after their work at the IT department of the then, Bank Bumiputera Malaysia Berhad (BBMB) now known as the CIMB (Baskaran pay the loan) Bank and guess what was the topic of discussion for the day – AMARAVATHY SIVALINGAM BEING LOOSE! AMARAVATHY MUST BE CONTROLLED! THE REPUTATION OF INDIAN COMMUNITY AT STAKE! LOCAL SUPPORT MUST BE RILED! AMARAVATHY MUST BE FORCED TO CHANGE HER WAYS!
When he spoke to me about it in the middle of the night (can’t remember)…
I just collected a few of his clothes that he had left at the low cost apartment that I was renting from Kalai, packed them a 1 big plastic bag and lugged them all the way to the office at Wetlands International (WI) located at Universiti Malaya (UM) then, asked him to come to McDonalds at Bangsar (don’t know who called who) after office hours, left the bag on his ‘kap chai’ motorbike (Honda 90cc – is it?) and left without a word. You should have seen his face. That was the most painful and satisfying moment for me. It was painful because I cared for him and had loved his body – he was a tae-kwan-do – martial artist - black belt champion (so he says?) – and kept his body very trim. However he turned out to remind me of my own family that I was running away from, then. Why was I running away from my own family?
Because they always wanted to control and manipulate me to get what they want. I had a very soft spot for them and they played on my emotions big time. Why? Because I’ve always felt guilty for the way I was conducting my life. Actually they made me feel guilty. Very sneakily my sister van or valar (valar was not much because she was too abused to breath outside her own home) or my brother Tambi enquiring if I was seen by the public drinking alcohol and smoking cigarettes with a group of my male friends at Brickfields or Kajang, etc. Most of the time the information is true as I didn’t care about anything but my own freedom to do whatever I wanted and whenever I wanted with whoever I wanted. But such enquiries would suddenly make me feel as if a cockroach had crawled up on my feet…
I just ran out of the hotel room I was staying because that almost happened. A cockroach crawled onto the window sill and sat there for a long time observing my room and very suddenly jumped on the floor and started becoming very at home. What am I to do…as usual I ran …now I am typing this in a crowded Restaurant Nasi Kandar Pelita.
This article is a jumble of mix…don’t know when, what time, where I wrote them…its now 5.51am; May 26th 2007 – had to check 3 times as tired – can’t write coz lovely tamil song at the background and had moved around the restaurant 3 times as the boys are busy cleaning section by section of the restaurant…
However, I must confess that I used to hide behind my sun shades/dark glasses…I no longer need them, Even if the sun is burning through my very small skull! I no longer smoke, drink or abuse my lovely body – I was rebellious and ignorant that I was only hurting myself. Was that very, very wrong? We all make mistakes but we can’t learn if not for mistakes right?- many people have used this line and I think My external Guru Osho has mentioned in one of this books…as usual..Baskaran, please return my darling OSHOs books.
“You can wonder far away from home but that does not mean all love is lost!” translated from a tamil song – not direct –oh! My god! I think in Tamil a lot… that’s a revelation.
My bony ass is still hurting from all the sitting (Baskaran, would you like to see my ass now…you would get very turned on I think!) as the chairs in cheap restaurants are hard and cold just as Baskaran’s heart is. Why won’t you give me back my belongings. I need to prepare my CV to get a job. Why hasn’t Ms. Nisha called me (his latest conquest – lawyer – Ms. right – not married young or old lady? – anything goes right – fucker, your story is coming – its shaping itself as we speak..)? Please sms her email address – I want her to read this – how does her ass look Baskaran? I think you are the best ass inspector of Kuala Lumpur and Sungai Buloh (is this where your current factory that you opened with our money located?)
Baskaran, there are some very cute malay girls with gorgeous ass (not as beautiful as mine though) is sitting in front of me, want to come over to see? You have scarred me so much that I AM now constantly checking out women’s ASS comparing theirs to mine. How you could you have done this to me Baskaran? How can I heal? Must I see more asses to heal? Someone please advise me! Friends, Baskarans favorite thing about a women is her ass – not her intellectuality, emotions or her humour – can you not see how much my soul has suffered. Shall I hit him with a chair? Please advise. I would like to say ………….what? ….please advice Ms. Wani of the STAR?
Anyway back to the weekend I spent with Kazushi at Kuantan… I have not completed it. Actually Parames and I went to a meeting with re: time sharing holiday apartments. That boy need a hit on the head as he actually went there to buy it with his meager salary. That’s why I mean women think more clearly than man. Sharon, we should have been lovers instead of best friends. I think that Baskaran thought that we were lovers, that’s why he was so jealous of you. Sharon Hariharan and I were best buddies since the year (I am thinking….) 1988 – 2000 – a long/beautiful/traumatic/lost/found/bad/good/wild/abusive/adventurous/amazing/lovely/ equal/unequal time for us. There’s more but this chapter in my life requires another book of writing but I will try in a chapter later. Thank you very much to Sharon for all the time we had on men. Oh! My! GOD! People are going to think that we had a threesome or orgy? Hold your suppressed thoughts. I was a normal, natural, heterosexual Indian women who had only I fantasy for 2 consecutive days…what about you Sharon? Check out my suppressed thoughts here…….a voice in my head just told me not write anymore about my suppressed thoughts…do I care? People must know all the shit that goes on in an enlightened womens mind?! Stay with me please….Why am I enlightened? Why? Because I can observe my thoughts and don’t get identified with it! Read ‘Awareness’ by Osho.
“EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY BUT NONE OURSELVES CAN FREE OUR MIND (if YOU want to know about ourselves..ask me…if I am in a good mood, I will explain otherwise I am going to ask you money to teach you some stuff …my ex-friend Sharon used to say ‘there’s no such thing as free lunch’….uh@ Don’t worry… I have so much of compassion that I will tell you, only if you’re interested, if not don’t waste my time) HAVE NO FEAR FOR ATOMIC ENERGY, COZ NONE OF CAN SAFE THE TIME (the last sentence is still unsure). I should go to the damn CD shop and get one to listen, Alas my disc man is in my shit smelling haunted house at PErmai Seri that belongs to bitch Catherine.
I am having such a good time laughing today. DO YOU NEED A GOOD LAUGH WHEN YOU GET UP IN THE MORNING? Why don’t you read my blog every morning? My flagitious life experiences will make you laugh and unburden your suppressed desires…Hence relieve you of your burdened unconscious. Did you understand? Read paragraph above…from “there’s no such thing as free…………time”.
I need money to eat but I love writing. I would love to continue to write in a place with a window with office facilities…that’s all I am asking…perhaps you can throw in a plant or two as my companions. Please employ me to write….somebody…I am cheap (not as you think as I will not let anyone touch me ever again – dunno! I have a problem with this statement but have to be put in because my society will start lining up outside the hotel with 5cents in their wallets to fuck me. (as I speak- I have racing images of Indian men I know who are really cheap…I know what I am saying, don’t ever lie to me), simple and undemanding to anyone else but only myself. Also, I need a bed to sleep – I can manage with my current sleeping bag that I bought in 1996 but I need that little boy Pavin with me as he’s being abused by our society (cruelly). Please help us as he is my reflection.
Oopsss…. I forgot my parents…I feel very sorry for them, please arrange for some aids for them, they too are very cheap (not in your term my beloved, my own people), simple and undemanding. All they need is medical supplies, regular check-ups and food to eat as they have a house and a new bed that I bought in April 2007.
Another minor request, I need to go for a paps smear – is this how its spelt? I don’t trust Baskaran as he may have gone to bed with another female – maybe a malay girl with an ass not better than mine.
Did I tell you that I have herpes simplex virus that I think I got from Justin from England who was then working in Australia - another day-lah (its now 6.24am of the same morning as above – having a fantastic time that I can’t even move to pee – just had anyway – I walked there ok – I did not pee in my panty).
All my lovers knew about it – I mean the herpes - before we fucked but Dave…sorry Dave…I forgot to tell him…he!he! I think he’s still mad at me…by the way Dave, I heard that your wife is fat, huge and has fat ass…betulkah? I don’t care. Its just that I thought you went after tall, long legged air stewardess … was I too short for you? Was that why you were always salivating at other women? How was the fuck that you had while were dating…what’s her name…I totally forgot…it will come … maybe later
I APOLOGIZE TO ALL FAT PEOPLE OF THE EARTH INCLUDING MY MOTHER WHO IS 4’8” (maybe shorter) and weighs 75kg …I am so sorry mother…sob! I am coming home after my war is over – if ever.
I just deleted something on my dad…thank god for that (I am thanking myselves-another word to be taken seriously and coined here). I think my former Deputy Prime Minister Anuar Ibrahim will love us - he was my hero who coined new malay terms during the annual national budget readings when he was the Finance Minister then. I wonder how he is now. I am so sorry for you…I feel for you…please understand me…
Please don’t read the following chapter (actually para…now and chapter later, just need to edit) if you have a faint heart….
Sivalingam is my father…
“BASKARAN, YOU ASKED IF I HAD FANTASIZED ABOUT SIVALINGAM FUCKING MY ASS AND CUNT, HE’S SITTING NEXT TO ME, WHY DON’T YOU ASK HIM YOURSELF”…I left this voice message in baskaran’s mobile on last Sunday – what’s the date uh? Pls refer to the amaravathy-part1, titled “AMARAVATHY THE INDIAN DAUGTHER” (http://amaravathy2@blogspot.com) …I THINK….this was one of the 10 Tamil dirty messages that I left on baskaran’s mobile when the entire clan of Balaraman/Vaithegy abandoned me, my 82-yr old dad – SIVALINGAM - and 64yr old ma while driving from Puchong Jaya to the shit smelling unit that I have at Permai Seri that belongs to the bitch Catherine. Who IS Sivalingam? He’s my father and what had Baskaran asked me? think about it? What does this say about the male mind? At least he’s the guts to open up…what goes on in your mind…have you observed? Annex 3 will not be published … why? You ask me … I ask who?
It is now 6.45 am at Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita and about 12 people are huddled in groups of 4 and 2, sipping their hot glasses of drinks, greeting the sun with muslim prayers going on at the back…this is simply DIVINE. I am enjoying myself tremendously here as I no longer fear some of the things. The prayer at the background is a great comfort at such moment, do you not see why I am sitting here…this feels like a home now.
I wanted to say ‘what a contradiction I am’ but could not because today ‘I feel whole’. The people here are very nice to me.
Did you know that I packed my bags and moved into my head on Monday morning/noon and have made house there (made myself at home)…now what is happening to my body..I think she’s in pain but today she is enjoying herself because FINALLY she is being appreciated – I WAS UNJUST TO HER DUE TO SOCIETIES CRUELTY TO HUMAN BODIES/DOGS/CATS/COCKROACHES (these need to be killed whether I am enlightened or not) … anyway she’s tired but happy.
Is there anyway we can work and at the same time rest? Can…if you are doing something that you please…as I am doing right now…your body cooperates and takes very minimal rest – there must be a way to rest the body and work at the same time…I can if I have a window seat and an office to write these amidst my 2 plants as my companions. You know why I need 2 plants – my body takes energy from trees/plants/animals to sustain my energetic phase… can I also have a cat…he!he!he!
This is the first time I am enjoying myself since I don’t’ know when…yea…someone just reminded me…it was when I was dancing along the streets of Bangsar alone and unaware of men salivating over me (now I know because someone just told me) to a tune played by one of the shopping mall PA system and eating a piece of chocolate, looking at a beautiful crescent on my roof – the sky and all the beautiful faces and bodies of men and women…there are some good looking people at Bangsar. I was running away from my own voices that were urging me to go home and hit Baskaran with a shoe/chair/don’t know what/bare hands/etc…which I finally did after 18 hrs. Do you want to know what I did?
Battery dying – just fixed my adapter – still beeping away – probably afraid as I was about what I am writing…what am I saying…OSHO …
I don’t know what I am saying but just going with the FLOW as my former guru Mr. Subramaniam (what is your sir name SIR) mentions during his 7-Day Transformational Journey Program (&-DTJ Program). Guruveh Sharanam = Surrender to Guru!
I am not going to reread this document until it goes on air because I might accidentally delete it as I did with my articles on Danes and ME! this morning.
IT’S A BEAUTIFUL MORNING AT RESTORAN NASI KANDAR PELITA AT KUALA LUMPUR, MALAYSIA AND AMARAVATHY3 OSHO’S LOVER HAS JUST BEEN CREATED AND COMPLETED…more to come….this is just the tip of the iceberg…I am going to take the world by the storm and reveal the way the human mind works…I have observed (ask me about Mr. Abernathy) its beautiful…the human mind is beautiful…its not hell as you think…are you ready for this, WORLD. Are you ready for a revolution? All the World is My Home and All Humans are My Siblings…brothers and sisters … you can’t run away from me as I am coming after you with knives and daggers…r u ready for us! I have a running nose as I say this…where is the damn tissue…did I leave it in the toilet just now…. Bye.
Anyway do you not agree that this is the way life should be led…with a blast …with no FUCK FOR NOBODY! I can actually see the globe from the satellite that we’re building (is it completed – is it obvious to our naked eyes in the Western night sky?) giving a shake and waking up like the sleeping lion that we have been.
i love myself…just realized that I need a pair of glasses …long distance vision is affected..baskaran, return my glasses and I can safe that money of the public fund for other purpose…also I need a new adapter for my notebook…she’s in pain…my OSHO is in pain…please help!
Unabridged version of my dark side…please help me understand myselves better…somebody out there…
Post script – Kazu, I am sorry, please message me … am at +012-292 0107…I am sorry for the way we ended…I’ve paid the price.
Thursday, May 31, 2007
AMARAVATHY EXPOSED - PART 2
Dear Friends,
POST SCRIPT - A RENDEZVOUS WITH RESTORAN NASI KANDAR PELITA
I am writing this sitting along the road parallel to Ampang Point at the Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita, a 24hr food establishment that also provides hotel services-the 3 floors above the restaurant. I am very happy to be here because I can exercise my passion for writing in a vast and open space with only the sky as my roof and having a hot cup of Nescafe kurang manis, nipis (less sweetened and thin – is this the proper translation?). I now live on the 2nd floor of this establishment that houses Hotel Palm Inn that provides clean and quiet environment for RM90 per night. If you are wondering what I am doing here, I’ve abandoned my flats unit that I was renting for RM500 per month at Permai Court 2 because I am afraid to be alone.
I have about RM4800 in my possession until I find another job to sustain myself or sell my insurance policy that may worth – PERHAPS RM10000 - I don’t know because Baskaran has all the information related to my life insurance policy at AIA.
I’ve written a lot here but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Some pieces are very painful to be mentioned that I am still skirting around them. Some pieces here have made me absolutely contented just to mention them. However there is just this one piece that made me burst out laughing at Durgas Restaurant where I was writing until 10pm last night, 22nd May 2007 (Tues) – it was on an incident that happened earlier this year. It was on how I threatened Baskaran and made him very scared of me just to obtain some personal space and freedom. This is the sorry state Indian women are at. I have made a mark there so that all women out there can laugh at it too.
Do you have adequate personal space and freedom? Do you even know what it means? I’ve spoken to many women, especially Indian women of Baskaran’ family and Self Awareness Society – they have no idea what personal space is freedom is all about. They feel guilty even to take a little time out from their nagging family.
‘EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY BUT NONE OURSELF CAN FREE OUR MIND’, Bob Marley, a Marijuana Addict (is this information correct?), died don’t know how (does anyone know? Please tell me).
AMARAVATHY=PAVITHRAN (PAVIN)=HAFEZ BIN ABDULLAH
It is now 10pm on 23rd May 2006 (I write this to keep track of time and date as I am cought by this fiery passion to write away all that is coming to my mind totally unaware of everything around me) and I was just approached by 2 young boys of 10 and 12 years old (I think) wearing cheap and dirty clothes asking me money and I had to tell them to go away because Baskaran had always told me not to support them as it was a syndicate. My heart hurts and eyes tear when I look at them because they remind me of my young nephew.
It is now 10.08am on 24th May 2006, waiting for my room service breakfast that comes free (I have a RM5 voucher that my dear friend Ruby – the receptionist/a-divorcee/single-mother-of-2-children-since-the-age-of-23-years-old going to redeem for me as they require me to go downstairs to order food but she is helping so that I can be her voice too). I am having toast and Nescafe today because finally I can get to eat whatever I feel like. I don’t have to follow Baskaran like a cow and have only tosai, Idly, vadai, etc. that Indian Restaurants serve. I was completely lost!
This is how much he had fucked with my mind. I need to emancipate from my mental slavery. Hence I am writing. What are you going to do? I need to take a shit now as I’ve been suffering from constipation and can’t afford fruit juices served down below because they cost a whopping RM3.50. What am I to do?
It is now 10pm on 23rd May 2006 – cont. from above.
I am stifling my sobs here because the restaurant is full of people and I don’t want to attract their attention – which I am already failing because I am the only one working here - I had just told another salesman with a CD of don’t know what - to go away rudely because I am writing and still hurting and thinking of Pavithran, now a confused muslim known as Hafez Abdullah. What about me? Who is hurting for me?
I am an Indian abused women of 40 years old – by the way Pavithran has just turned 8 this year – I just remembered that he is so young and had gone through so much in life – just as I was in 1976 – growing up in a miserable home located at Kuala Pilah - actually I wanted to say ‘surviving a miserable existence’ but my inner guru will not allow that because the flow should not be stopped. However the flow has been stopped because I have many blocks that need to be cleared – I am suffering in silence – there are many things that I can’t recall because they are too painful for me.
I was made a thief at a tender age of 10 (I think) because we were so poor. My parents are still extremely poor – you should see my parents physical condition – it is bad – they both have skin infection, diabetes, high cholesterol. In addition, my mother has high blood pressure. They are under nourished because I had forsaken them when I got married to Baskaran on 7th July 2002 – a bitter incident in my life as it was only attended by a handful of ex-colleagues, my sister Valarmathy and her in-laws (who stood in as my parents) and all of Baskaran’s family and loved ones.
I am a victim of severe manipulation! My family is a victim of manipulation too! We need justice! Pavithran is a thief – just as I was when I was 10 years old because of my parents extremely poor financial situation.
Malaysia is going to achieve the Developed Status in the year 2020 – what year is this now? - 2007 – why don’t my aged parents (father 82 yrs old and mother 64 yrs old) get any aid? Where is Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC) when we need them most? Is it because it is not election time? My father is an ardent supporter of Dr. Samy Vellu? Why is he still undernourished with poor medical background, living way below the stipulated poverty line (What is it now RM1200 x per month)? The only income my parents had until last month was the RM500 per month that I provided - which Pavin too shared until November 2006. Is this fair?
My mother had just received her citizenship – can’t remember when as they no longer keep in touch with me. Do you know that she never had voting rights until recently and she’s too old to care about anything – anyway I don’t know anything about my mother as Indian families do not foster such personal and intimate relationships? Can you share your fuck stories with your mother? I couldn’t although I would love to. Why? Lets go into that later.
I have abused them to an extent that they left my house open and abandoned me in my hour of need. We had only 1 set of keys and my house was left unattended with doors and windows open and key thrown on the floor at the entrance for 7 hrs. I could have been robbed last night. Why is this happening? Because I abandoned them to write this story and told them to throw the key there when they left KL yesterday. I did not leave them any money but advised them to call my brother from Seremban (Hafez bin Abdullah’s father Khairul bin Abdullah – is your name correct Tambi?). He was formerly known as Kaliyaperumal @ Karunanithy s/o Sivalingam.
When I came home at 11.00pm last night - Durga’s closed at 10pm and I had to go to an internet café and send out the rest of the fax copies of the police report I had made on Baskaran s/o Balaraman on 24th April 2007 seeking police protection in fear of losing my life. Baskaran is still my husband although I want to be freed from his tyranny. I sent out the fax copies to all those people who still want to be my friend in search of legal and financial aid.
My heart still hurts thinking of Pavin because he was just slapped hard on the face by his discipline teacher at his school located in Seremban. The slap was so hard that the boy fainted and the school had to rush him to the hospital. The discipline teacher apologized to my brother and Pavin and Pavin felt so sorry for him that he told him it’s ok and let him go. Does Pavin know his right as a child of 8 years old? Does my brother Khairul know his responsibility as a parent? The discipline teacher and my brother are friends now – according to Pavin and Khairul. Where is the headmistress of this school? No one knows because she doesn’t care? Who is going to speak for this boy? He now lives with his a muslim convert step mother of 24 years old and muslim convert father. Where is Pavin’s mother, he has never seen her due to Khairul’s treachery? I don’t know the details as I am an outcast in my own family.
I heart is crying out loud to help Pavin as I see myself in him but I am IMPOTENT. I don’t have a job but I have a shit smelling unit at a low cost flats built for the poor and voiceless squatter settlers of Ampang Jaya by the Majlis Perbandaran Ampang Jaya. Who is going to represent them and me and my parent and pavin and the whole world?
Who am I? I am a jobless and abused Indian child/daughter/teenager/wife/daughter-in-law/ex-marijuana-addict/staff/would-be-divorcee/fortunately-childless-women of 40 years old living in a cheap hotel and working by the road side of Ampang Point, seeking justice from various parties involved in my life, including the Executive Director of Global Environment Centre (GEC).
I have a story to tell all. Do you want to listen to me? I have been ignored all my life. I want to be heard. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME? I am so angry with the whole world that I am jabbing my key board so hard that my aged notebook may retaliate but she is the only friend I’ve chosen to have at this dark and desolate moment of my life because I don’t trust anyone, not even my 82 year old father.
But I am not longer afraid of humankind (I will never use another sexist word such as mankind ever again, hence I coined this word – humankind – did I? or was this in existence and I am merely copying – please let me know). However I have an unconscious fear of something that I don’t understand. I am afraid of dark and small places. I am also afraid of unknown shadows, cockroaches, lizards, used sanitary napkins, leftover foods, hotel rooms, any places that has 4 walls, dark alleys, quiet and lonely times, my mother, Baskaran, his mother, his family, Kandasamy, world at large…what is happening? I don’t understand myself sometimes. I just said that I am no longer afraid of humankind – doesn’t my mother, Baskaran, his family, Kandasamy (a man who raped me at the tender age of 16.5 until 18 at his haunted house in Kuala Pilah) come under the title of humankind. You decide after reading some of my experiences.
My battery is dying and I have to brave my heart and go to the room above .
I had just come back from my hotel room… I wanted to go to the nearest internet café to use my thumb drive and type away. Since I need to fight my fears and it costs a whopping RM5 per hour, my feet took me back to my room where I had to take a pee. This is the first time I am mentioning this private affair in writing and it is a joyful experience.
I had just come back to the restaurant and invaded the privacy of a middle-aged but good looking man who is having naan just a foot away from my work station. I now have to use the faulty adapter that Baskaran had bought for me (don’t know when as the receipt is in a file at home – I think). He bought it for me because he had abused my adapter by twisting it hard into a tight not – as he has twisted my heart hard and tight throughout the past 7 years.
I now have short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction but I don’t know what to do about it as I have a war to wage against all those that have taken advantage of my innocence by coming clean to the public.
I had to invade his (the good looking middle aged man) privacy here because the power point is here at a wall closest to this table where he was eating. I don’t know if he had enjoyed his food because I am here. I don’t feel good about it because I don’t like my personal space to be invaded but I allowed it all this while because I have been a helpless victim – I had lied on the floor and let men and women step all over me – according to a friend Sharon Hariharan, whose friendship I forsook for Baskaran, all Indian women are like that and little did I know that I was one. I don’t think I look a tamil girl and I never identified myself with Indians until I got married.
I suddenly feel so drained and tired because I have not slept well in days. I’ve been running from one place to another seeking the company of people to write this story. It is scary. It scares me. I am now afraid of anything that moves – not all of the time but sometimes in the middle of the night. I am determined to find out what it is about. Apparently my fears will leave me if I can remove my mental blocks and tell people exactly what has happened to me. I can’t remember many of the things that had happened to me because I have successfully blocked them from remembering so that I can have some peace of mind. But the voices in my head will not let me rest until I unburdened.
My bony ass is hurting from all the sitting and also due to lack of fat. Baskaran would have loved to look at them now as he always thought I had fat ass…isn’t this true Baskaran? I am 5 feet 2.5inches tall and used to weight 50-55 kgs when I was with Baskaran. Is this fat? I thought I looked plump, so did the people whom attended a higher spiritual course at Pedu lake Resort with me in late 2005.
I did not feel sexy because Baskaran hardly saw me. He rather watch Paris Hilton and Lionel Richie’s (is his name correctly spelled) daughter on the telly. Could any Indian women beat Paris Hilton…I couldn’t at that time. But now I look divine because I weight less than 40kg and have gone natural – I no longer use make up, visit expensive saloons, shower twice a day, and use perfume but I look DIVINE. I no longer watch the telly or read books. I have PhD courses running in my head conducted by various tones of my own voices.
I keep the receipts of all my purchases – filed away neatly according to category – major ones. What happens to smaller ones like food, petrol, etc.? They go on a spreadsheet in my notebook that I regularly update – the man had just walked away.
As a poor Indian child/teenager/women I have always had my private space invaded by all those I know because I neither knew/know my rights nor knew how to care and protect myself. Isn’t this what Pavin is going through (unaware)? Isn’t this how the whole world is going through? Are children aware of their rights? Who is teaching children like Pavin to protect themselves? I want to but I can’t because I have to learn to take care of myself first.
AMARAVATHY THE DISCIPLE OF SELF AWARENESS CENTRE
I have a burning question to ask you. “The Unconscious of An Infant is As Developed as the Unconscious of the Mature” – please correct this statement if I have placed it wrong – quoted by Paranjothi Subramaniam during one of the Group Meditation in 2004 – How many of you believe this. I am sorry to mention this here because it is only understood by the disciples of Self Awareness Society (SAC) – a spiritual organization registered as society and located at Taman Desa, Old Klang Road. What do you understand by this?
What is unconscious here? Isn’t this our suppressed desires – mainly sex? Can a child rape? Can a child molest? Can a child peep? What would an infant know but what we teach them right? Please make me understand this statement because I can’t accept this. Mr. Subramaniam what is your sir name and where did you get this statement? This statement has been haunting me since the year 2004, WHY? I don’t know.
I will tell you why? At the age of 16.5, I was still an innocent child. I did not know what was happening to me. Kandasamy used my body without me knowing what was happening to me. Do you understand? Where was my unconscious at that time? Why was I crying to sleep every night? Why was it emotionally traumatic? Why did I not enjoy it? Was it because my unconscious was not developed? Please answer me? There is more to this but I can’t address it right now as it is unclear.
I am no longer confused. You have been cheating the innocent Indian public telling them lies that you pick out and misunderstand from various books. If OSHO was alive, he would have taken you to task! Hence I am taking you to task. Because I am the follower of OSHO and I had a vision of taking you to task. You take most of what OSHO says and mis-guide the Indian society. I am going to illuminate all your flaws and drag you in the mud as you have done with me.
Have you any idea how many Indian women’s heart you are breaking and have broken? We come home and end up being our husbands sex slaves! Was this what you wanted? Did you want your wife to be your sex slave? Have you empowered your wife to become the female guide that the Indian female society needs. Is it true that she snares young, lost and beautiful Indian women for your pleasure while she hides and dances with walls and wolves?
She must be one of the most abused women I have ever met. Is she even aware of it? Do you have awareness on human rights issues? Akka, you should leave him and be with your loving children and “Have A Festive Life” as you are such a beautiful person. He is ruining your happiness and I have seen it. You and I should not suffer anymore. We are both abused by men. Same goes to many women I met at SAC. Please ask your husbands to fuck off with their paid sex workers and lovers – if possible, inform the lovers to leave them to rot and perhaps we should all turn to lesbians…ha!ha! I am finally Having A Nutty Festive Season (THIS IS THE LABEL OF THE NATURAL NUT COCKTAIL THAT I AM STUFFING RIGHT NOW) writing this…I feel liberated!
Akka, let us close down SAC and have a party traveling around the world doing social work. I know that we are alike but you are still trapped. Your daughter should not end up like us. Let us wake up and smell the Coffee! Its time to ask the men to Fuck Off and help young women find themselves. Let us not help men anymore because they take and take and take and never give anything in return. We are left with nothing but a broken heart and soul. We need redemption.
Bob Marley said “Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery, None But Ourselves Can Free Our Mind, Have No Fear for Humanity (Is this what he said as I have short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction) As None of Us Can Save the Time (betulkah?), How Long Shall We Kill Our Prophets While We Stand Aside and Look…” Was OSHO Killed by the US Government?
Akka, was OSHO killed by the US Government? Can an enlightened Guru be killed? Wouldn’t existence take good care of him? Please ask Mr. Subramaniam to read “Osho – the Spiritually Incorrect Mystique”…I spent about 1 full minute to recall the title of this book – this is what marijuana addiction does. I know some of you are fighting this addiction, lets help each other. Read on and understand how I have helped myself wean off marijuana. I can help you but not now because I have a war to wage against the society and a little boy to safe. I will somehow sleep better if he’s with me. Alas, he’s so far away living a miserable existence.
Mr. Subramanian, your teachings almost landed me in a mental institution. I trusted you to be my Guru and that was the biggest mistake I made. Baskaran is still lost because of you. Do you know the outcome of your teachings? You are merely satisfying your suppressed needs through your paying, innocent, Indian disciples. You are unfit to conduct any courses but 7-Day Transformational Journey (7-DTJ) course because it made a positive change in my life. If you don’t stop conducting your Darkside Conferences, I will take you to task and close SAC down.
It is so hard for me talk about the performance …… I would like share something extremely painful with you but it is very hard. I performed a strip show and striped all my clothes down to just bra and panties for a group of 23 including Mr. Subramaniam and his wife. There were 11 men and 12 women there – I was the only one who did a solitary show as I could not let another man touch my body. It felt so awkward and demeaning but we were forced to perform something shocking, something from our unconscious. I did this because Baskaran had stopped seeing me and I needed to be seen and appreciated. In a way it helped but it made me hate myself and Baskaran and my life with him!
Men there found me exotic because I had used black garter belt and black laced undies. Since I had fair complexion (due to lack of exposure to the sun that I love so dearly) I looked good. I was trembling and shaking like a leaf but somehow managed a short number lasting for perhaps 2 minutes. I have yet to forgive myself for this. My body felt violated. Since then, I had stopped eating much and have lost about 15 Kg. My body is mourning for my lost soul. I became divided. Am I still divided? Let’s find out later because I still don’t know.
I almost killed myself because it went against all of my principles – women are not sexual objects made for men’s pleasure. The conflict that I am facing right now is ‘I needed to be seen’ but I still cannot accept the fact that I did not respect my body because I am such a private person. Baskaran’s lack of attention has turned me into an attention craving, spineless women who took shit and put with the nonsense that took place during that class. Women and men were totally treated as sexual objects.
I have such high regard for our unconscious but Mr. Subramaniam has very low and animalistic regard for peoples unconscious. That’s why he should not conduct DKs. In addition, he is prejudiced against women and has zero idea of women’s rights. He wants women to be slaves - born to please men. There’s so much I can say here but I’ll save it for later. Can I have some money to write more about this? I need to eat you know.
Fortunately I have found my inner guide through my Guru OSHO’s teachings. Why are you selling OSHOs name in your advance courses. Are you fit to conduct Darkside Conferences (DK)? Dr. Brugh Joy whom you call your mentor mentioned you in either of his books Joys Way or Avalanche – I am not sure/can’t remember – Baskaran, please return my books as I am (I wanted to say -so lost but stopped because I am no longer lost – the word is – I need them)..
If I am not mistaken, he says that there are Gurus trying to teach people the way but they are inadequate – be patient with them as they mean well! In my opinion, Dr.Joy is worried about Mr. Subramaniam’s involvement in spirituality. Can someone out there fund me to meet Dr. Joy at California and ask his opinion of his teachings being preached and practiced at Darkside Conferences? Information in Avalanche is used as the foundation of this programme and I need Dr. Joys opinion on Mr. Subramaniam. You can’t cheat me anymore Mr. Subramaniam because I am no longer afraid of you using Mahan’s name to intimidate us.
Naga, you attended Dr. Brugh Joys class and DK1 – is this fair? Are Dr. Joys teachings appropriately presented? Why are Darkside Conferences called DK and not DC, is this to mislead the public and the authorities. Can anyone advise me on the religious organizations that I can approach to lodge a formal complain against Mr. Subramaniam if he does not stop conducting his DK courses? Why do you call yourself the facilitator of advance programs when you clearly spoke about your authority as a GURU during your birthday speech at Penang in early 2006? I need an answer for that Mr. Subramaniam or I am going to haunt you. One of the reasons I am alone and afraid of being alone is because of you! I have haunted my own self all my life and it would be easy for me to haunt you.
It is now 3.45am on 24th May 2007 (Thursday) I am eating Natural Nut Cocktail off a recyclable plastic container that I bought at the George Town Pharmacy at Ampang Point on a single bed with my notebook on my lab. We are not to support the plastic industry (read on for more information) but do we have a choice? Can someone fund an awareness program for the public to empower them to pressure the government to phase out plastics and Styrofoam and find alternate materials like cloth/paper bags, etc. However, the Tong Garden Snack Food aught to be lauded for their effort in using recyclable plastic containers. Syabas!
Mr. Subramanian….GURUVEH SHARANAM (English Translation - Surrender to your GURU)…do you know what this means? You have no idea as you have never experienced your own inner guru right? Are you an enlightened GURU? Why can’t we speak about it? Why can’t we speak about our own spiritual experiences with you? Because you are ill equipped to advice us right? Do you know what is ASTRAL TRAVELLING? You have no idea do you? (Baskaran, please return my books as I still have short term memory lost and I can’t remember the title of the book here. It is 24th May, 10.53 am and I got it – its is “Psychology of the Esoteric” published by OSHOs Foundation – I think).
I need to email this out to you right now because I’ve been promising to send you my story since Monday 21th May 2006. Actually I have another 50 pages ready to be sent out but I can’t do it yet as I need to be clear. I have edited the first 25 pages as part 1. Would you like to receive it today? Please sms me and I will send it out soon.
Actually I think I have so much to write … PERHAPS another 5000 pages…I was woken up from eons of sleep and never want to stop writing. But I need to prepare my CV – Baskaran please give me my documents and the money that we owe the bank. If I pay for the car RM1110 and the outstanding 2 months – RM25000, I am left with very little to survive. Minimum payment for Citibank is about RM500 and CIMB RM100 – not sure because I have no time to call them or pay bills.
My Maxis (my only mode of communication) is going to terminate my account because my bill has just exceeded the amount of RM250 deposit that we paid in 2005 when we almost came to a separation. I need to pay RM175 plus RM560 (this month) to AIA. Please help me. You know we owe the banks. Own up to your part of the bargain.
Somebody please help me sell my car, its Kia Spectar (registration number WKB 3303 – which I personally chose at JPJ) bought in May 2002. All details are at my haunted unit at Desa Permai.
Would you like to read my life experience in writing? In what language? Would you like to watch it as a movie – Tamil, English or Malay? Please let me know. I still have not decided how I want to feature this. I would like your opinion because I consider you a friend and need to know if the public can accept me for who I am. I want the whole world to hear me. Please advice.
I AM SO TIRED BUT AM THANKFUL TO EXISTENCE FOR ALLOWING ME SUCH A SHARP MIND (IN ADDITION TO BEING AN EX-MARIJUANA ADDICT WITH SHORT TERM MEMORY) AND BE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO HELP US SEE OURSELVES FOR WHO WE ARE. GOOD MORNING. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY AS THE SKY IS SO CLEAR AND OF BEAUTIFUL BLUE.
POST SCRIPT - A RENDEZVOUS WITH RESTORAN NASI KANDAR PELITA
I am writing this sitting along the road parallel to Ampang Point at the Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita, a 24hr food establishment that also provides hotel services-the 3 floors above the restaurant. I am very happy to be here because I can exercise my passion for writing in a vast and open space with only the sky as my roof and having a hot cup of Nescafe kurang manis, nipis (less sweetened and thin – is this the proper translation?). I now live on the 2nd floor of this establishment that houses Hotel Palm Inn that provides clean and quiet environment for RM90 per night. If you are wondering what I am doing here, I’ve abandoned my flats unit that I was renting for RM500 per month at Permai Court 2 because I am afraid to be alone.
I have about RM4800 in my possession until I find another job to sustain myself or sell my insurance policy that may worth – PERHAPS RM10000 - I don’t know because Baskaran has all the information related to my life insurance policy at AIA.
I’ve written a lot here but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Some pieces are very painful to be mentioned that I am still skirting around them. Some pieces here have made me absolutely contented just to mention them. However there is just this one piece that made me burst out laughing at Durgas Restaurant where I was writing until 10pm last night, 22nd May 2007 (Tues) – it was on an incident that happened earlier this year. It was on how I threatened Baskaran and made him very scared of me just to obtain some personal space and freedom. This is the sorry state Indian women are at. I have made a mark there so that all women out there can laugh at it too.
Do you have adequate personal space and freedom? Do you even know what it means? I’ve spoken to many women, especially Indian women of Baskaran’ family and Self Awareness Society – they have no idea what personal space is freedom is all about. They feel guilty even to take a little time out from their nagging family.
‘EMANCIPATE YOURSELF FROM MENTAL SLAVERY BUT NONE OURSELF CAN FREE OUR MIND’, Bob Marley, a Marijuana Addict (is this information correct?), died don’t know how (does anyone know? Please tell me).
AMARAVATHY=PAVITHRAN (PAVIN)=HAFEZ BIN ABDULLAH
It is now 10pm on 23rd May 2006 (I write this to keep track of time and date as I am cought by this fiery passion to write away all that is coming to my mind totally unaware of everything around me) and I was just approached by 2 young boys of 10 and 12 years old (I think) wearing cheap and dirty clothes asking me money and I had to tell them to go away because Baskaran had always told me not to support them as it was a syndicate. My heart hurts and eyes tear when I look at them because they remind me of my young nephew.
It is now 10.08am on 24th May 2006, waiting for my room service breakfast that comes free (I have a RM5 voucher that my dear friend Ruby – the receptionist/a-divorcee/single-mother-of-2-children-since-the-age-of-23-years-old going to redeem for me as they require me to go downstairs to order food but she is helping so that I can be her voice too). I am having toast and Nescafe today because finally I can get to eat whatever I feel like. I don’t have to follow Baskaran like a cow and have only tosai, Idly, vadai, etc. that Indian Restaurants serve. I was completely lost!
This is how much he had fucked with my mind. I need to emancipate from my mental slavery. Hence I am writing. What are you going to do? I need to take a shit now as I’ve been suffering from constipation and can’t afford fruit juices served down below because they cost a whopping RM3.50. What am I to do?
It is now 10pm on 23rd May 2006 – cont. from above.
I am stifling my sobs here because the restaurant is full of people and I don’t want to attract their attention – which I am already failing because I am the only one working here - I had just told another salesman with a CD of don’t know what - to go away rudely because I am writing and still hurting and thinking of Pavithran, now a confused muslim known as Hafez Abdullah. What about me? Who is hurting for me?
I am an Indian abused women of 40 years old – by the way Pavithran has just turned 8 this year – I just remembered that he is so young and had gone through so much in life – just as I was in 1976 – growing up in a miserable home located at Kuala Pilah - actually I wanted to say ‘surviving a miserable existence’ but my inner guru will not allow that because the flow should not be stopped. However the flow has been stopped because I have many blocks that need to be cleared – I am suffering in silence – there are many things that I can’t recall because they are too painful for me.
I was made a thief at a tender age of 10 (I think) because we were so poor. My parents are still extremely poor – you should see my parents physical condition – it is bad – they both have skin infection, diabetes, high cholesterol. In addition, my mother has high blood pressure. They are under nourished because I had forsaken them when I got married to Baskaran on 7th July 2002 – a bitter incident in my life as it was only attended by a handful of ex-colleagues, my sister Valarmathy and her in-laws (who stood in as my parents) and all of Baskaran’s family and loved ones.
I am a victim of severe manipulation! My family is a victim of manipulation too! We need justice! Pavithran is a thief – just as I was when I was 10 years old because of my parents extremely poor financial situation.
Malaysia is going to achieve the Developed Status in the year 2020 – what year is this now? - 2007 – why don’t my aged parents (father 82 yrs old and mother 64 yrs old) get any aid? Where is Malaysian Indian Congress (MIC) when we need them most? Is it because it is not election time? My father is an ardent supporter of Dr. Samy Vellu? Why is he still undernourished with poor medical background, living way below the stipulated poverty line (What is it now RM1200 x per month)? The only income my parents had until last month was the RM500 per month that I provided - which Pavin too shared until November 2006. Is this fair?
My mother had just received her citizenship – can’t remember when as they no longer keep in touch with me. Do you know that she never had voting rights until recently and she’s too old to care about anything – anyway I don’t know anything about my mother as Indian families do not foster such personal and intimate relationships? Can you share your fuck stories with your mother? I couldn’t although I would love to. Why? Lets go into that later.
I have abused them to an extent that they left my house open and abandoned me in my hour of need. We had only 1 set of keys and my house was left unattended with doors and windows open and key thrown on the floor at the entrance for 7 hrs. I could have been robbed last night. Why is this happening? Because I abandoned them to write this story and told them to throw the key there when they left KL yesterday. I did not leave them any money but advised them to call my brother from Seremban (Hafez bin Abdullah’s father Khairul bin Abdullah – is your name correct Tambi?). He was formerly known as Kaliyaperumal @ Karunanithy s/o Sivalingam.
When I came home at 11.00pm last night - Durga’s closed at 10pm and I had to go to an internet café and send out the rest of the fax copies of the police report I had made on Baskaran s/o Balaraman on 24th April 2007 seeking police protection in fear of losing my life. Baskaran is still my husband although I want to be freed from his tyranny. I sent out the fax copies to all those people who still want to be my friend in search of legal and financial aid.
My heart still hurts thinking of Pavin because he was just slapped hard on the face by his discipline teacher at his school located in Seremban. The slap was so hard that the boy fainted and the school had to rush him to the hospital. The discipline teacher apologized to my brother and Pavin and Pavin felt so sorry for him that he told him it’s ok and let him go. Does Pavin know his right as a child of 8 years old? Does my brother Khairul know his responsibility as a parent? The discipline teacher and my brother are friends now – according to Pavin and Khairul. Where is the headmistress of this school? No one knows because she doesn’t care? Who is going to speak for this boy? He now lives with his a muslim convert step mother of 24 years old and muslim convert father. Where is Pavin’s mother, he has never seen her due to Khairul’s treachery? I don’t know the details as I am an outcast in my own family.
I heart is crying out loud to help Pavin as I see myself in him but I am IMPOTENT. I don’t have a job but I have a shit smelling unit at a low cost flats built for the poor and voiceless squatter settlers of Ampang Jaya by the Majlis Perbandaran Ampang Jaya. Who is going to represent them and me and my parent and pavin and the whole world?
Who am I? I am a jobless and abused Indian child/daughter/teenager/wife/daughter-in-law/ex-marijuana-addict/staff/would-be-divorcee/fortunately-childless-women of 40 years old living in a cheap hotel and working by the road side of Ampang Point, seeking justice from various parties involved in my life, including the Executive Director of Global Environment Centre (GEC).
I have a story to tell all. Do you want to listen to me? I have been ignored all my life. I want to be heard. DO YOU WANT TO HEAR ME? I am so angry with the whole world that I am jabbing my key board so hard that my aged notebook may retaliate but she is the only friend I’ve chosen to have at this dark and desolate moment of my life because I don’t trust anyone, not even my 82 year old father.
But I am not longer afraid of humankind (I will never use another sexist word such as mankind ever again, hence I coined this word – humankind – did I? or was this in existence and I am merely copying – please let me know). However I have an unconscious fear of something that I don’t understand. I am afraid of dark and small places. I am also afraid of unknown shadows, cockroaches, lizards, used sanitary napkins, leftover foods, hotel rooms, any places that has 4 walls, dark alleys, quiet and lonely times, my mother, Baskaran, his mother, his family, Kandasamy, world at large…what is happening? I don’t understand myself sometimes. I just said that I am no longer afraid of humankind – doesn’t my mother, Baskaran, his family, Kandasamy (a man who raped me at the tender age of 16.5 until 18 at his haunted house in Kuala Pilah) come under the title of humankind. You decide after reading some of my experiences.
My battery is dying and I have to brave my heart and go to the room above .
I had just come back from my hotel room… I wanted to go to the nearest internet café to use my thumb drive and type away. Since I need to fight my fears and it costs a whopping RM5 per hour, my feet took me back to my room where I had to take a pee. This is the first time I am mentioning this private affair in writing and it is a joyful experience.
I had just come back to the restaurant and invaded the privacy of a middle-aged but good looking man who is having naan just a foot away from my work station. I now have to use the faulty adapter that Baskaran had bought for me (don’t know when as the receipt is in a file at home – I think). He bought it for me because he had abused my adapter by twisting it hard into a tight not – as he has twisted my heart hard and tight throughout the past 7 years.
I now have short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction but I don’t know what to do about it as I have a war to wage against all those that have taken advantage of my innocence by coming clean to the public.
I had to invade his (the good looking middle aged man) privacy here because the power point is here at a wall closest to this table where he was eating. I don’t know if he had enjoyed his food because I am here. I don’t feel good about it because I don’t like my personal space to be invaded but I allowed it all this while because I have been a helpless victim – I had lied on the floor and let men and women step all over me – according to a friend Sharon Hariharan, whose friendship I forsook for Baskaran, all Indian women are like that and little did I know that I was one. I don’t think I look a tamil girl and I never identified myself with Indians until I got married.
I suddenly feel so drained and tired because I have not slept well in days. I’ve been running from one place to another seeking the company of people to write this story. It is scary. It scares me. I am now afraid of anything that moves – not all of the time but sometimes in the middle of the night. I am determined to find out what it is about. Apparently my fears will leave me if I can remove my mental blocks and tell people exactly what has happened to me. I can’t remember many of the things that had happened to me because I have successfully blocked them from remembering so that I can have some peace of mind. But the voices in my head will not let me rest until I unburdened.
My bony ass is hurting from all the sitting and also due to lack of fat. Baskaran would have loved to look at them now as he always thought I had fat ass…isn’t this true Baskaran? I am 5 feet 2.5inches tall and used to weight 50-55 kgs when I was with Baskaran. Is this fat? I thought I looked plump, so did the people whom attended a higher spiritual course at Pedu lake Resort with me in late 2005.
I did not feel sexy because Baskaran hardly saw me. He rather watch Paris Hilton and Lionel Richie’s (is his name correctly spelled) daughter on the telly. Could any Indian women beat Paris Hilton…I couldn’t at that time. But now I look divine because I weight less than 40kg and have gone natural – I no longer use make up, visit expensive saloons, shower twice a day, and use perfume but I look DIVINE. I no longer watch the telly or read books. I have PhD courses running in my head conducted by various tones of my own voices.
I keep the receipts of all my purchases – filed away neatly according to category – major ones. What happens to smaller ones like food, petrol, etc.? They go on a spreadsheet in my notebook that I regularly update – the man had just walked away.
As a poor Indian child/teenager/women I have always had my private space invaded by all those I know because I neither knew/know my rights nor knew how to care and protect myself. Isn’t this what Pavin is going through (unaware)? Isn’t this how the whole world is going through? Are children aware of their rights? Who is teaching children like Pavin to protect themselves? I want to but I can’t because I have to learn to take care of myself first.
AMARAVATHY THE DISCIPLE OF SELF AWARENESS CENTRE
I have a burning question to ask you. “The Unconscious of An Infant is As Developed as the Unconscious of the Mature” – please correct this statement if I have placed it wrong – quoted by Paranjothi Subramaniam during one of the Group Meditation in 2004 – How many of you believe this. I am sorry to mention this here because it is only understood by the disciples of Self Awareness Society (SAC) – a spiritual organization registered as society and located at Taman Desa, Old Klang Road. What do you understand by this?
What is unconscious here? Isn’t this our suppressed desires – mainly sex? Can a child rape? Can a child molest? Can a child peep? What would an infant know but what we teach them right? Please make me understand this statement because I can’t accept this. Mr. Subramaniam what is your sir name and where did you get this statement? This statement has been haunting me since the year 2004, WHY? I don’t know.
I will tell you why? At the age of 16.5, I was still an innocent child. I did not know what was happening to me. Kandasamy used my body without me knowing what was happening to me. Do you understand? Where was my unconscious at that time? Why was I crying to sleep every night? Why was it emotionally traumatic? Why did I not enjoy it? Was it because my unconscious was not developed? Please answer me? There is more to this but I can’t address it right now as it is unclear.
I am no longer confused. You have been cheating the innocent Indian public telling them lies that you pick out and misunderstand from various books. If OSHO was alive, he would have taken you to task! Hence I am taking you to task. Because I am the follower of OSHO and I had a vision of taking you to task. You take most of what OSHO says and mis-guide the Indian society. I am going to illuminate all your flaws and drag you in the mud as you have done with me.
Have you any idea how many Indian women’s heart you are breaking and have broken? We come home and end up being our husbands sex slaves! Was this what you wanted? Did you want your wife to be your sex slave? Have you empowered your wife to become the female guide that the Indian female society needs. Is it true that she snares young, lost and beautiful Indian women for your pleasure while she hides and dances with walls and wolves?
She must be one of the most abused women I have ever met. Is she even aware of it? Do you have awareness on human rights issues? Akka, you should leave him and be with your loving children and “Have A Festive Life” as you are such a beautiful person. He is ruining your happiness and I have seen it. You and I should not suffer anymore. We are both abused by men. Same goes to many women I met at SAC. Please ask your husbands to fuck off with their paid sex workers and lovers – if possible, inform the lovers to leave them to rot and perhaps we should all turn to lesbians…ha!ha! I am finally Having A Nutty Festive Season (THIS IS THE LABEL OF THE NATURAL NUT COCKTAIL THAT I AM STUFFING RIGHT NOW) writing this…I feel liberated!
Akka, let us close down SAC and have a party traveling around the world doing social work. I know that we are alike but you are still trapped. Your daughter should not end up like us. Let us wake up and smell the Coffee! Its time to ask the men to Fuck Off and help young women find themselves. Let us not help men anymore because they take and take and take and never give anything in return. We are left with nothing but a broken heart and soul. We need redemption.
Bob Marley said “Emancipate Yourself from Mental Slavery, None But Ourselves Can Free Our Mind, Have No Fear for Humanity (Is this what he said as I have short term memory lost due to marijuana addiction) As None of Us Can Save the Time (betulkah?), How Long Shall We Kill Our Prophets While We Stand Aside and Look…” Was OSHO Killed by the US Government?
Akka, was OSHO killed by the US Government? Can an enlightened Guru be killed? Wouldn’t existence take good care of him? Please ask Mr. Subramaniam to read “Osho – the Spiritually Incorrect Mystique”…I spent about 1 full minute to recall the title of this book – this is what marijuana addiction does. I know some of you are fighting this addiction, lets help each other. Read on and understand how I have helped myself wean off marijuana. I can help you but not now because I have a war to wage against the society and a little boy to safe. I will somehow sleep better if he’s with me. Alas, he’s so far away living a miserable existence.
Mr. Subramanian, your teachings almost landed me in a mental institution. I trusted you to be my Guru and that was the biggest mistake I made. Baskaran is still lost because of you. Do you know the outcome of your teachings? You are merely satisfying your suppressed needs through your paying, innocent, Indian disciples. You are unfit to conduct any courses but 7-Day Transformational Journey (7-DTJ) course because it made a positive change in my life. If you don’t stop conducting your Darkside Conferences, I will take you to task and close SAC down.
It is so hard for me talk about the performance …… I would like share something extremely painful with you but it is very hard. I performed a strip show and striped all my clothes down to just bra and panties for a group of 23 including Mr. Subramaniam and his wife. There were 11 men and 12 women there – I was the only one who did a solitary show as I could not let another man touch my body. It felt so awkward and demeaning but we were forced to perform something shocking, something from our unconscious. I did this because Baskaran had stopped seeing me and I needed to be seen and appreciated. In a way it helped but it made me hate myself and Baskaran and my life with him!
Men there found me exotic because I had used black garter belt and black laced undies. Since I had fair complexion (due to lack of exposure to the sun that I love so dearly) I looked good. I was trembling and shaking like a leaf but somehow managed a short number lasting for perhaps 2 minutes. I have yet to forgive myself for this. My body felt violated. Since then, I had stopped eating much and have lost about 15 Kg. My body is mourning for my lost soul. I became divided. Am I still divided? Let’s find out later because I still don’t know.
I almost killed myself because it went against all of my principles – women are not sexual objects made for men’s pleasure. The conflict that I am facing right now is ‘I needed to be seen’ but I still cannot accept the fact that I did not respect my body because I am such a private person. Baskaran’s lack of attention has turned me into an attention craving, spineless women who took shit and put with the nonsense that took place during that class. Women and men were totally treated as sexual objects.
I have such high regard for our unconscious but Mr. Subramaniam has very low and animalistic regard for peoples unconscious. That’s why he should not conduct DKs. In addition, he is prejudiced against women and has zero idea of women’s rights. He wants women to be slaves - born to please men. There’s so much I can say here but I’ll save it for later. Can I have some money to write more about this? I need to eat you know.
Fortunately I have found my inner guide through my Guru OSHO’s teachings. Why are you selling OSHOs name in your advance courses. Are you fit to conduct Darkside Conferences (DK)? Dr. Brugh Joy whom you call your mentor mentioned you in either of his books Joys Way or Avalanche – I am not sure/can’t remember – Baskaran, please return my books as I am (I wanted to say -so lost but stopped because I am no longer lost – the word is – I need them)..
If I am not mistaken, he says that there are Gurus trying to teach people the way but they are inadequate – be patient with them as they mean well! In my opinion, Dr.Joy is worried about Mr. Subramaniam’s involvement in spirituality. Can someone out there fund me to meet Dr. Joy at California and ask his opinion of his teachings being preached and practiced at Darkside Conferences? Information in Avalanche is used as the foundation of this programme and I need Dr. Joys opinion on Mr. Subramaniam. You can’t cheat me anymore Mr. Subramaniam because I am no longer afraid of you using Mahan’s name to intimidate us.
Naga, you attended Dr. Brugh Joys class and DK1 – is this fair? Are Dr. Joys teachings appropriately presented? Why are Darkside Conferences called DK and not DC, is this to mislead the public and the authorities. Can anyone advise me on the religious organizations that I can approach to lodge a formal complain against Mr. Subramaniam if he does not stop conducting his DK courses? Why do you call yourself the facilitator of advance programs when you clearly spoke about your authority as a GURU during your birthday speech at Penang in early 2006? I need an answer for that Mr. Subramaniam or I am going to haunt you. One of the reasons I am alone and afraid of being alone is because of you! I have haunted my own self all my life and it would be easy for me to haunt you.
It is now 3.45am on 24th May 2007 (Thursday) I am eating Natural Nut Cocktail off a recyclable plastic container that I bought at the George Town Pharmacy at Ampang Point on a single bed with my notebook on my lab. We are not to support the plastic industry (read on for more information) but do we have a choice? Can someone fund an awareness program for the public to empower them to pressure the government to phase out plastics and Styrofoam and find alternate materials like cloth/paper bags, etc. However, the Tong Garden Snack Food aught to be lauded for their effort in using recyclable plastic containers. Syabas!
Mr. Subramanian….GURUVEH SHARANAM (English Translation - Surrender to your GURU)…do you know what this means? You have no idea as you have never experienced your own inner guru right? Are you an enlightened GURU? Why can’t we speak about it? Why can’t we speak about our own spiritual experiences with you? Because you are ill equipped to advice us right? Do you know what is ASTRAL TRAVELLING? You have no idea do you? (Baskaran, please return my books as I still have short term memory lost and I can’t remember the title of the book here. It is 24th May, 10.53 am and I got it – its is “Psychology of the Esoteric” published by OSHOs Foundation – I think).
I need to email this out to you right now because I’ve been promising to send you my story since Monday 21th May 2006. Actually I have another 50 pages ready to be sent out but I can’t do it yet as I need to be clear. I have edited the first 25 pages as part 1. Would you like to receive it today? Please sms me and I will send it out soon.
Actually I think I have so much to write … PERHAPS another 5000 pages…I was woken up from eons of sleep and never want to stop writing. But I need to prepare my CV – Baskaran please give me my documents and the money that we owe the bank. If I pay for the car RM1110 and the outstanding 2 months – RM25000, I am left with very little to survive. Minimum payment for Citibank is about RM500 and CIMB RM100 – not sure because I have no time to call them or pay bills.
My Maxis (my only mode of communication) is going to terminate my account because my bill has just exceeded the amount of RM250 deposit that we paid in 2005 when we almost came to a separation. I need to pay RM175 plus RM560 (this month) to AIA. Please help me. You know we owe the banks. Own up to your part of the bargain.
Somebody please help me sell my car, its Kia Spectar (registration number WKB 3303 – which I personally chose at JPJ) bought in May 2002. All details are at my haunted unit at Desa Permai.
Would you like to read my life experience in writing? In what language? Would you like to watch it as a movie – Tamil, English or Malay? Please let me know. I still have not decided how I want to feature this. I would like your opinion because I consider you a friend and need to know if the public can accept me for who I am. I want the whole world to hear me. Please advice.
I AM SO TIRED BUT AM THANKFUL TO EXISTENCE FOR ALLOWING ME SUCH A SHARP MIND (IN ADDITION TO BEING AN EX-MARIJUANA ADDICT WITH SHORT TERM MEMORY) AND BE COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO HELP US SEE OURSELVES FOR WHO WE ARE. GOOD MORNING. IT’S A BEAUTIFUL DAY AS THE SKY IS SO CLEAR AND OF BEAUTIFUL BLUE.
AMARAVATHY EXPOSED - PART 1
Dear Friends,
POST SCRIPT
I’ve written a lot here but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Some pieces are very painful - especially those related to my teenage times that involve my family - to be mentioned that I am still skirting around them. Some pieces here made me absolutely contented just to be mentioned. However there is just this one piece that made me burst out laughing at Durgas Restaurant where I was writing until 10pm last night – it was on an incident that happened earlier this year. It was on how I threatened Baskaran and made him very scared of me just to obtain some personal space and freedom. I have made a mark there so that all women out there can laugh at it too.
INTRODUCTION
I have so much to share with you that I have been writing this round the clock - since I sent you the sms on Monday (20th May) morning requesting for your fax details. Hence I wrote them in various places and various times. I have also taken some of it from a police report that I attempted to make on Baskaran on 19th May 2006 (Sat) but changed my mind as I didn’t want him to get into trouble with the authorities. I was also worried about my own safety.
However I would like to publish an extensive version of my life experiences and translate the publication it in various languages including the Tamil language. My vision is for people to listen to my story as I have led a loveless existence with no one to listen to me. I think my story represents various minority groups such as women, children, Indians, the poor and the existence.
I would like for all people of the world to read my experience and find something in it to wake them up and smell the Nescafe (I love coffee and I just had row with the male receptionist of this hotel for sending room service – Nescafe in a plastic bag with 2 Styrofoam cups. Have you had coffee in Styrofoam cups? Yucks! They smell bad. Please don’t ever support the Styrofoam and Plastic industries as they are very harmful to the environment. They a not bio-degradable – that means they remain on earth for ever and ever – unlike natures own production that decomposes without a trace. I now can sip my coffee in a glass). We need to stand up for our rights of our Body, Mind and Soul. I am now writing this introductory piece at a cheap Hotel located in the vicinity of Ampang Point - Hotel Palm Inn – listening to Tamil/Hindi songs played by the 24 hour Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita below. It costs RM90 per day.
The Cat is Out of the Bag
It’s now 11.23 am and I’ve just had my breakfast and a panadol as my body is hurting from all the writing work I am doing in uncomfortable postures and places. I’ve just turned off all lights in the room to conserve energy. Do you know how much energy hotels waste? I need to find out but we need to conserve energy as the world is dying – just as I was for the past 5 years. I feel so sorry for myself that I have tears in my eyes. I will never betray myself but it is hard to make such promise because the society is so cruel that it demands such unnatural things.
Baskaran, you wanted to keep all about us under wraps but little did you know that what we fear most will come back to haunt us. I am sorry for doing this but it is my life too. I wanted to you to hear me but you never heard. Now I want to whole world to listen to me because I may have many important things to say.
I am here because the flats unit that I moved into last month is no longer livable. I believe it is haunted because I can’t seem to be alone there. I have an unconscious fear of something that I don’t understand. I now need constant company of people. I am afraid to be alone as I’m afraid of myself. I have an uncontrollable rage towards Baskaran and my parents. I don’t know myself anymore. It is now 5.30am and I have just come down from my motel room to the Restaurant because I am afraid to be alone and got scared of what I was writing. I came down to be in the company of the people. I thought my motel room is haunted. I think I am possessed. I hear voices in my head that tell me to write this.
However I think these are the many personalities that I have been suppressing all the while to keep - my parents, baskaran, in-laws and the society at large – HAPPY! Am I right? Can you understand what I am saying?
I don’t know how to handle myself anymore but I also think that I have never been better as I am very courageous and am taking all those who have been bullying me (and/or I was afraid off) to task. I have begun to stand up for myself. But the strange thing is that I feel suffocated and oppressed in small areas and dark corners but I feel alright in open air and vast spaces - when the sky is my only roof. When I spend too much time between four walls of my home, I feel trapped. I need to run out and inhale huge amount of air into my lungs to feel better. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been hiding in small corners of my mind and am now opening up to the vastness of existence. Is this true? Can someone explain all of these for me?
Do you think the Conference of Sitthers (I think this means Yogis – I don’t know the English word for this as my Tamil/English dictionary that I have been lugging around since 1978 – I got it as a present from the Tamil School that I was studying for the good results I got in standard 5 Government examination – can’t remember the certificate) that will be held at University Malaya from this 25th – 27th May (Friday – Sunday) will help explain what I am going through? My mother and Dr. Jaya of Jaya Clinic at Melawai think so. Do you?
My Body Is My Guru
My body has taken control of me. Have you ever had this wonderful experience? What happens when you get scared in the middle of the night in a dark alley? The first thing you do is run right? Who made you run? It is your survival instincts right? What is instinct? It is your body taking control right? I think this is happening to me almost all the time. Thanks to OSHO for explaining this in his book “Intellect – A Courageous Way to Live” (unsure of the title as all my OSHO’s books are with Baskaran – Dear, please return them to me).
My legs take me to wherever I am supposed to go when I am walking. When I am driving, my voices take me to wherever I am supposed to go. My eyes park on things that I must do or have. I hurt myself when I am upset. I’ve even dropped heavy things onto myself when I am angry. Ever since I put myself through a de-toxification program to wean myself Off marijuana, I started eating what my stomach dictates. Actually my body put me through the de-toxification program and not the other way round. Do you understand me?
I started practicing one of OSHO’s meditation methods called Body, Mind Balancing – I received a guided meditation CD with the book (Baskaran please return the book to me as it is my favorite) that allows the body to return to its natural ways. I am now a proud ex-drug addict because I did it my way without the help of anyone especially Baskaran as he’s quick to take unfair credit for all things related to me.
Right now I am rather unhappy because I’ve let myself go as far as my stomach is concerned because I am too busy to care about my health. My stomach was my Guru but now I have my eyes as my Guru. Do you understand what I am saying? I used to hear a voice deep from my belly guiding me but now I have a number of voices guiding me. However in moments of confusion, I do hear a guiding voice that tells me what to do and what to write. Above all, my eyes are guiding me to places and they have never failed me. Guruveh Sharanam = SURRENDER TO GURU.
Guruveh Sharanam = SURRENDER TO GURU
We say this a lot but do we actually understand the depth of it? I am trying my level best to surrender to my own Gurus (my own voices) but it is so difficult because society does not allow it. It is such an effort to surrender! How can you surrender to an outside influence when you can’t even surrender to your own self? It is so hard that sometimes I curse and cuss at myself because it is very painful to do what my guiding voice tells me. Why is this happening? I feel like killing some people…will the society allow it?
THE TRANSFORMATION
What am I doing in Hotel Palm Inn with my windows open and feeling comfortable just listening to the heavy noise emanating from below – at 5.30am in the morning? They are cleaning the restaurant for breakfast and the music is loud. Until early this year, I needed a very quiet and clean room to sleep alone. Now I need constant company of people and a noisy environment. I no longer care about cleanliness but I get very uncomfortable when it is too quiet. What has happened?
My notebook is beeping away because its batteries are almost dead but I am somehow managing as I can still use the faulty adapter that Baskaran had bought for me. I need to constantly move my wire around to keep it connected to the notebook because it’s loose (just as loose as my family think I am). Actually my shoulders are in immense pain because I have been lugging a heavy coffee table book on wetlands along with my notebook because I’ve been using it to keep the adapter fixed to the notebook. Last night in my haste, I left the book at the unit that I have abandoned and now I am paying the price. The notebook may die on me anytime but I am talking to it to keep it intact. Am I insane?
AMARAVATHY THE FOOL - SHIT SMELLING PERMAI SERI BLOCK – THE TREACHERY OF CATHERINE AND ANUAR
The unit that I am renting now needs a lot of repair work and I couldn’t stand the stench that was emanating from the IWK pond that is outside my window. Although I am at the 15th floor, the acrid smell is unbelievable. On 22nd May, PM told Works Minister S Samy Vellu to do his duty and undertake all repairs in parliament building and stop blaming others. I expected my landlord Ms. Catherine to assume such responsibility but she and her real estate agent – Anuar (I don’t know his full name) are not answering my calls and I don’t know where Catherine lives as she had kept that a secret, although I have requested for such information. I smelled something fishy with her. I had just sent her and her agent a sms that I am going to drag them down to every court in Malaysia if they don’t return all of my money worth RM1600 and pay my hotel bill. She’s still ‘making don’t know’ to my actual plight.
But I would not accept payment for the hotel bill from her because it’s unfair. I am sitting on this bed and doing something that I am completely in love with – writing. It’s unfair to take money from the people we don’t know for unjust claims.
AMARAVATHY IS INSANE – THE TREACHERY OF BASKARAN
I am so tired now because I have not slept well since I left Baskaran on 20th April 2007. Last week I survived on anti-depressant for 4 days but I would not allow myself to be dependant on anything but myself. Hence I stopped and am waiting for my body to collapse so that I can sleep peacefully once again. Perhaps writing this piece will help me find peace of mind.
I would like to start by highlighting the police report that I had made on 24 April 2007 (Tuesday) against my husband that I faxed over to you last night. That would have clearly illuminated how he had abused me and manipulated my entire family to work against me. This happened in just 4 days and it shows how much he controlled and manipulated me. I am tired of trying to fight for my justice as an Indian Woman [perempuan India as they called me at the Wangsa Maju and Sentul Police Stations and at Ibu Pejabat Polis Kontinjen (IPK), KL] in Malaysia.
I went to make a police report against Baskaran once again on the 19th May 2007 (Friday) determined to put him behind bars because I was bullied by him and my lawyer. He constantly put off giving me my documents that I needed to prepare my CV and he had just put off signing the divorce petition (my lawyer calls this doc petition – betulkah?) I found my lawyer being played so easily by him and I got very upset with the both of them. Actually started believing that they were both conspiring against me - Baskaran must have somehow convinced her that I was insane – just as he had convinced my entire family members of 15 people.
I got so pissed off that I terminated Jagjits services through a telephone call and sms. Is this ok? I requested for her to return my deposit payment of RM2000. She too is ignoring me. Did you know that Baskaran did not pay anything to the lawyer as she was someone I found and yet she was on his side? Why? He’s such a leach that he wanted to stick to the same lawyer. Since I had terminated Jagjits service, he had found another Indian lady lawyer Ms. Nisha of K. Nadarajah and Partners. I feel so sorry for her. Ms. Nisha, please be very careful with this man. You will learn more about him as you read further.
INDIAN WOMEN AND THE TREACHERY OF GOLDSMITHS
I had just pajak (don’t know the English word for this as my Malay/English dictionary that my father had bought in 1979, when I was 12yrs old is with Baskaran) my mothers gold tahli to reclaim a long gold chain and a pair of gold ear-rings - that Baskaran’s mother had given me during my wedding - from the same pajak shop.
I Pajak my mothers Tahli worth RM5000 for a lower rate of RM3500 (as I did not want to pay too much of interest and needed only that amount). I thank my mother for offering me her last piece of gold. That was her last piece because she had lost all her gold to my brother (whom I USED to call Tambi now I am going to call him Khairul – his muslim name) for cash needed for his business investment purposes.
In my moment of absolute desperation, in my lawyers presence, I managed to convince Baskaran to give me the gold items that we had kept in my safe deposit box at HSBC. He had lost the key and we had to be present together at the Bank after banking hours for them to break open the safe. Since it was his fault, he paid RM208 for the key. He kept all the foreign currency (Euro and US dollars) he had stashed there worth about I don’t know as he had kept them in an envelope. I barely managed to keep the gold items of a long gold chain and a pair of gold ear-rings weighing 85.20grams. I don’t know the actual weight of these gold items as all goldsmiths mentioned different weights ranging from 85 to 85.20 grams. Who is the authority on goldsmiths in Malaysia? Does anyone know?
With the help of Khairul, I pajak those gold items in Seremban for a price of RM4850 but I was very unsatisfied with the price because Khairul was offered a price of RM5440 (RM64 per gram x 85 grams) at Jalan Pudu in KL. Do you know there are rows of Chinese Goldsmith at Jalan Pudu that offer various prices for your gold. Isn’t gold price determined by the market. The current market rate is RM82 per gram but why are we offered as low as RM55 per gram by Indian Goldsmith at Lebuh Ampang and RM64 per gram by Chinese goldsmith at Jalan Pudu? Is this legal? Who and what determines this?
So, on 18th May 2006, I drove to Seremban, Pajak my mothers Tahli worth RM5000 for RM3500 and used my last of the salary money to take out the gold items. I managed to sell them at Jalan Pudu the next morning for a price of RM5430 to a women goldsmith. Did I do something illegal here? Please advice.
AMARAVATHY THE EX-MARIJUANA ADDICT AND THE TREACHERY OF THE POLICE
I went to make a police report against Baskaran on 19th May 2006 (Sat) as I was very angry with him for bullying me and making my life difficult by not releasing all documents that I needed to complete my CV and file my personal tax returns.
Initially I was treated rudely at the Wangsa Maju Police Station. A female officer yelled at me as if she was yelling at a convict. I stood my ground and yelled at her back and threatened them with my limited knowledge of the law. Actually I was shaking like a leaf inside but put on a brave front as I have once been abused by their manner when I went to make the police report on 24th April 2006. In addition, I had to type the entire report by myself and spend about a total of 3 hours there. Actually I was guided by my inner guru to say all those threats to get their respect. I was successful (yet I find it difficult to surrender to my own guru).
I was immediately taken to a private room by a male officer for a chat that he conducted with utmost respect. Upon hearing my plea, he made a telephone call to Baskaran to release my documents but I don’t know what was the conversation about as all he kept repeating was ‘saya’…’saya’ in agreement to whatever Baskaran was saying. Later he made a telephone call to ASP Teh Soi Hai of Sentul Police Station, and passed the line to me. Upon repeating my plea again over a telephone, TEA (I’m calling him Tea, direct translation for Teh as my pc is auto correcting his name to THE all the time and I have no time to amend it) asked call to go to IPK, KL to report on Baskaran for involving me in marijuana abuse.
My only consolation was that I managed to successfully demand a ride in a police car that came all the way from Wangsa Maju Police Station to IPK, KL to fetch me back to their station as they had mis-guided me and gave me their famous run around. I was made to travel from Wangsa Maju Police Station to IPK, KL (by taxi) by TEA (can I take action against this irresponsible man) just to receive some personal advices from a female inspector. She did not know her own rights as a female and I believe I made her realize a thing a two about women’s rights that she called and demanded for me to be taken back to my car by the police. Can I claim my taxi fair from them.
The driver expected me to have tea with him and started asking many things about my former addiction but when I called Baskaran and asked him to speak to him re: my documents, once again, all I heard was ‘saya’….’saya’….and ‘ya’. When I arrived at Wangsa Maju Police Station, yet another female officer (different shift as I had wasted about 5 hours for nothing) yelled at me saying that Baskaran had called and that they can’t get involved because he was not free to be at home to release my documents. Is this fair? All I want is some papers that Baskaran will never understand or use. I yelled at her who is the boss here, you as the police or the Baskaran.
I was outraged and bullied that I collected my things and ran out of the police station cursing them about their incompetence. However, my legs took a u-turn and took me back to the police station demanding to make a police report. Once again I requested for a pc and started typing furiously as I am doing right now, on how Baskaran had abused me with Marijuana. I too had written down all the contact details of all officers involved conscientiously.
Hence I called TEA and politely asked his advice me on what to do. I manipulatively called him Tuan although I hated it because I needed legal advice. He was kind enough to ask me to write all about marijuana abuse so that they can arrest Baskaran and take him for urine test the very same night. Hence I wrote a 4-page report (from 8pm – 10pm) on Baskaran and another 2 page report on my former boss who had just cheated me off RM465 just 2 days ago. The voices in my head wanted them behind bars and justice served but I could not relent. I printed the documents, deleted them from police files and walked out without a word. If you would like these documents, please send me a sms and I will fax them to you because I don’t have the time to re-type them as I need to get my documents from baskaran and do my CV to find a job. I am in conflict now. Should I put them behind bars? Please advice at the end of my story. Is this Guruveh Sharanam? How am I to surrender to myself? Is this fair to me?
AMARAVATHY THE ENVIRONEMNTAL CONSERVATIONIST AND THE TREACHERY OF GEC
I walked out of my office at Global Environment Centre (GEC) after working there for about 5.5 working days (Annex 2) on 17th May 2006 due to contractual dispute with the Executive Director (Faizal Duncan Parish) of that profit making company that is posing to be a non-profit organization.
Here I need to mention about the injustice I have been served at Global Environment Centre (GEC). In June 2004, I got a job at GEC as a coordinator (unsure of my position as it had changed many times during my tenure at GEC, I also believe that I had worked there without a contract but I have evidence of pay checks that went into my savings accounts from GEC – all my files are with Baskaran) for a project entitled (unsure) Multilateral Environmental Agreements – A Capacity Building Program for Government Officials to negotiate and communicate at international environmental conventions such as United Nations Framework for Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC), Convention on Biological Diversity (CBD), Ramsar Convention on Wetlands, Montreal Protocol, etc. This was a liberating moment for me as I once again found passion for conservation and I thank Faizal for giving me an opportunity to exercise my love for existence.
I left GEC suddenly on 16th March 2007, I am unsure of the actual date as I don’t have the copy of the email that I sent with regards to that. I left without saying goodbye to Faizal or the staff. I had just sent an email saying that I had made some money and didn’t want to work anymore. I remember now that I could do it because I did not have a contract with GEC from November 2006 – this is how disorganized GEC is.
Actually I realized recently that GEC is a money making organization posing as a non-profit organization trying to cheat public off of their money as they have just got tax exemption status. Does this mean that monies that is used to fund projects conducted by this organization is tax deductible? Could someone with accountancy background help me understand this? I need some advice from financial consultants/accountants here because I would like to take GEC to task as I will no longer allow anyone to make money using the name of nature/environment.
I had just completed a proposal for them (annex 3) requesting funds of about RM147,000 from Toyota Foundation of Japan to support the activities of Civil Society Organisations of Southeast Asia to conduct activities related to the Climate Change and rapid loss of biodiversity. But rumour has it that GEC is trying to use to the money to run their organization that has been appointed as the Interim Project Secretariat by the ASEAN Secretariat and the Malaysian Environmental NGOs (MeNGO). Dr. Sundari (coordinator of MeNGO – I think) please take note of this and take action against GEC as it is your responsibility to keep the Environmental NGOs in Malaysia under control.
We know how the environmental NGOs can abuse public funds to sustain very highly paid staff. One of the many bosses I reported to was the Executive Director at Wetlands International Dr. Arthur Mitchell, he was paid a whopping salary of RM25,000 a month (incl. his 3 children’s education at an International School). Isn’t this true Dr. Sundari. Dr. Sundari and I were colleagues at WI since 1997 (unclear as all doc are with Baskaran). Khadijah (Accountant at WI for the past 12 years) could please confirm this information. Isn’t this true? Were we not disgusted with the organization for this? Didn’t Dr. Arthur Mitchell use the funds worth RM1.5million received from a private funder (I forgot his name - what was his name Khadijah?) from Denmark to pay off 7 industrial court law suit made by former staff of WI (four of the staff who received the payment – Faizal Duncan Parish, Suzana Mohkeri, Victoria Louis, Saha Devan - who were terminated from WI walked out and started the operation of GEC). If I am not mistaken, they were each paid an average of RM200,000 each – an unfair agreement they struct with the mild mannered Dr. Mitchell.
On 18th May 2006, I went to GEC to collect my pay check – Faizal released a cash check worth RM1490 for 3.5 days of my salary and the outstanding pay from March 2007 of 3 full days. Faizal, 6.5 days x RM230 is RM1495 and not RM1490 – why are you so cheap that you’re cheating me off RM5. Anyway thank you for fulfilling my demand for a cash check as I needed the money urgently. In addition, you are now cheating me off 2 days of my salary worth RM460 – a rate too low for my expertise. My time sheet is in annex 2. I hope that my ex-colleagues will corroborate with me if I take Faizal to the Industrial Court. Friends, Faizal’s expertise include technical knowledge on wetland conservation and cheating Indian staff off their deserved worth by under paying them as Indians are a minority group in Malaysia and do not stand up to a Mat Salleh.
I hope GEC will pay me the outstanding salary of RM465 that I deserve and help me feel as if I am still part of this world. I would like to continue my work in the field of environmental conservation and I hope Faizal will be professional enough to recognize my expertise. Faizal, please don’t take this personally as local expertise on the environment is very few and nature needs people like us to represent them. Please be fair to me as I too am part of existence. Have you been fair to your staff? Have you been fair to the environment that you have been representing all over the world – especially in the International Conventions? Since they don’t have a voice, we need to be fair…have you? I don’t think so, please change your ways.
Anyway, due to Baskaran’s and my lawyer Jagjit’s constant telephone calls to me and my family, I could not perform well at work but I think that I had done a good job in writing the proposal for Toyota Foundation, please read the proposal and comment on it. Right now my confidence in me as an environmental conservationist is somehow eroded by Faizal’s treatment towards me. Please help me restore my confidence in myself.
I am now constantly very angry with the whole world and feel that injustice has been done to me by all that who believed that they know me - including my family - for conspiring with Baskaran against me and for several other incidents that took place when I was a very young school going girl of 16 years old. However, going public with my story has given me the courage to fight with this man who has been bullying me for the past 7 years.
SIMPLE AMARAVATHY – BASKARAN’S THE LOVER
He walked into my house at Pantai Dalam in November 1999 with a plastic bag full of cheap clothes and had played with my sympathy and emotions and had never left my life until yesterday. I was then renting a flats owned my cousin Kalai who had kindly renovated and made it lovely for me and gave it away for a very cheap price of RM250 per month. Later, he also bought me a 4-seater dining table, a tv stand and a unique Directors chair which is now placed at my bedroom. I love that chair because it is so unique.
AMARAVATHY – THE TREACHERY OF THE COUSIN
Thank you very much for all that anneh and for all your support during this dark and desolate period of my life and for keeping in-touch with me all these years. This morning I received a loving message from you through ‘short messaging service’ (SMS) “Shakespheare says….’one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces. A pure heart is worth its weight in gold’…Good morning…”
Wasn’t that lovely? That’s what I thought the moment I saw it and replied ‘thanks darling’. Upon analyzing it I sent a sms to you “Anneh, I know you mean well but shakespear was gd in eng (so the world says) but ignorant of human heart - there’s no such thing as pure heart - we consist of all. Gd morning 2 u too.”
Friends, aren’t I right? I was devastated when I received his reply … ‘U will find one at ur time”. Why are you so condescending and patronizing towards me? Will I ever be taken seriously? All my family members, Baskaran, and the world have been treating me this way. Is this fair? Anneh, please let me know if I am wrong here or am I being sensitive? What do you mean by ‘’one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces’? Am I ugly? Don’t we know what we are saying anymore? Are we just puppets repeating ignorance things said by people?
Then he sends another sms asking ‘darling anneh n have u got the job?’ He clearly knows that I have lost my job? Why is this happening? I am still cool. I replied “After writing my piece..u n anni must read it all – gonna cont. now. Darling thangachi. Guess what he replies ‘r u working now?’ Writing this had riled me up that I just sent a message “Don’t you understand English? Read my sms again” This is how my family had continuously abused me and eroded my confidence.
My parents have always used kalai to keep me under their control as they think I am too wild and loose. Whenever I have a dispute with them, they call Kalai and use him as a puppet to manipulate me. Little does he know about the scheming ways of my mother. Many a times I hated this method that had been applied on me to keep me under check.
Did you know what happened yesterday 22nd May 2007? I went home at 2am on Sunday morning to Kuala Pilah to fetch them to come and live with me because I was afraid to live alone. We left Kuala Pilah the next day and had a lovely gathering at my sister Valarmathy’s house at Seremban with my cousins Vinoshini, Jamuna and Lingeson.
Anneh do you know Valarmathy’s children’s names? Did she not take care of you when you had broken your leg in a car accident and made you bed-ridden for almost 6 months? She cleaned your piss and shit pot for a very long time in 1977 (I think)? Have you conveniently forgotten that? Why have you not kept in touch with her? Is it because she is poor and unsuccessful to your point of view? In my point of view, she is successful because she has a business in the Seremban market (those of you from Seremban, please buy your vegetables and provisions from my lovely sister Valar as she needs your support to continue her miserable existence as an abused Indian wife/daughter-in-law) 3 lovely children, a house and 2 cars.
Ms. Vinoshini Sathiamoorthi, my cousin is in such a good position at KLIA that at such a young age of 21, she earns a very high salary and supports her entire family because her father is a useless loafer who is living off his children and wife. Valar, please don’t abuse Vinoshini to support the entire family as our parents have done to me? What about your share? Why are you so stingy? Why do you always ask them to call you back when you want to complain about your husband and in-laws - so that you can safe your telephone bill? It is because I am paying for their hotlink re-load too right? Everybody at home, please stop taking advantage of me. I am now poor. Please support our parents.
Anneh, now that you know about Vinoshini, you may want to be in touch with her right? Why are you so pretentious? Lets face the truth, you have no idea of who I am because you too never bothered to listen to me.
Did you not keep in touch with Valar because she got married to an Indian abusive husband who beats her regularly to keep her in check? Why have you not helped her? Are you afraid of Sathiamoorthy? Was that why you did not attend my engagement, wedding and forsook me in my hours of need when I was newly married to Baskaran – when he and his family members were abusing me. Were afraid of the fact that he was an ex-convict and that he may beat you? Is it true someone attempted to shoot you at an Indian pub in early 90’s. Where were you from April 2002 (engagement and wedding) – April 2003?
You call me to be in touch when my parents call you and control you by saying that I need to be looked after right? Have you any idea what they have been doing to you and myself? Is it the custom of Indian families to forget their daughters who have been supporting them when the girls get married? Is it because the girls are of no more use to the family? Are we adopted off to our in-laws family to play the same role there. Now that I am no longer with a man, my parents are bullying you once again to keep in check right? Well…FUCK OFF and DON’T EVER CALL ME AGAIN! JERK!
AMARAVATHY AN ABUSED INDIAN DAUGHTER
Yesterday, on 20TH may 2006, my dad, ma and I drove around Puchong Jaya to visit Baskaran’s family to ask for the minimal things that I’ve been demanding through my lawyer but little did I know that they have moved house. They have moved their mother to a new location – perhaps they were saving her from the traumatic experience of meeting me and my parents – I wonder why? None of the family members that I called came forward to help me despite me crying out and begging for help. All switched off their mobile telephone and took their land lines off the hook. I used this educational opportunity to highlight to my parents not to ever conspire against their own children. Justice needs to be served and I need my life back. Please help me get a divorce from this mad man and his unfair family.
Baskaran have lost a very loving person who had very kindly shared her live with him. Now I want to stand up for my rights and live my life the way I’ve always wanted to. My passion for my work has been re-found and I want to travel the world and fight for the plight of nature and existence as I am part of it.
Here I would like to share a bitter incident that took place in my life at the tender age of 16. I’ve been skirting around this topic for the past 48 hours and that’s the reason I have not been minding my stomach. My stomach hurts when I think about it. From the age of 10, I used to love a man called Kandasamy. He was 19 at that time – 9 years older than me. I was fascinated by him because to my young mind, he was well read and he told me many things on spirituality especially yoga and meditation.
I come from a family of 4 girls Kannagi, Valarmathy & Vanmathy (twins), amaravathy@ Thamilmany (me) and Kaliyaperumal @ Karunanithy (my younger brother). We were all 4-years apart – I don’t know how my parents managed this in a period that condoms were not found in Malaysia. I wish I could speak to my mother on such issues but I can’t because I hate her. I still love my father but I don’t like him for he’s a spineless coward who hides behind my mother’s ass (sorry Sivalingam – now, I only speak to truth!).
I was so bullied by my siblings that I always ended up doing all the house work at home. My family was so poor and we couldn’t afford books and toys. Therefore housework and sitting alone amidst trees in jungles, rubber plantations and bushes were my only past time. I was happy and whole then. Perhaps the following incident will illuminate my families poor financial condition. WE had I piece of chicken on every Wednesday of the week as it was my father’s off day from the Rex Theatre where he was working as a cinema operator. His salary was about RM500 and they had to support 5 children. Is RM500 too little a money in 1977? Someone please advice. Now I feel as if we have been mis-led to believe that we were poor due to my mother expensive and extravagant taste in kitchewear.
I hate my mother because she made me steal plastic jewellary at local Indian shop that sold knick knacks by Mr. Manickam. I hated those moments when she opens her bag and expected me to push knick knacks into the bag when the owner was not looking. My stomach used to hurt as it hurts right now. I was always thin because I could not eat at home because I had such an unhappy childhood – only when I was indoors. I forgot my problems when I was freely roaming the wild jungles of Kuala Pilah then. I spent a lot of time alone and away from home because my siblings hated me. I suppose it was because I always got what I wanted. I always fought hard and long battles with them to get the attention of my parents and for my safety. My sister Vanmathy used to poke my eyes with lidi (what’s English word for this please?) – Rud, it’s a stem found in between coconut leaves. It was so painful that I keep my eyes closed even now when I am in danger.
My brother used to abuse me constantly – he ones hit me hard on the head with a hammer. He also used his bare hands to hit me and pull my hair. The roots of my hair were always weak due to this that I’ve always had very little hair. But I fought hard. Since he had very short hair I used to use my nails to pull his ears until there were nail marks all over the back of his ears. Where were my parents? What were they doing leaving us unprotected and unattended?
Did you know Indian female children have to keep their hair long as it’s a sin to cut it short? I hated that in 1998 I shaved my head bald when I visited a temple at Thruppathi located at Andra Pradesh, South India. It was where Baskaran’s ancestors had come from. I was touring South India with my Japanese boy friend Kazushi Suzuki whom I lovingly called Kazu on a backpacking tour that I had planned for several years. WE had a fantastic time until we reached Kerala were Kazu went berserk because he couldn’t keep with my energetic phase. Guess what I did? I explained to him that this was my pilgrimage and he can fuck off if he wanted to go back to Malaysia. I used to be that independent. I thank my siblings for teaching me to fight hard for what we want. He was cowed and he followed me around without anymore retaliation.
We women should always learn to speak our mind out and get things done our way we because I believe women know better. I our mind is more clear and our instincts are more attuned because of our monthly menstrual cycle that is directly related to the lunar calendar. Since we have no control of our own bodily function – menstrual cycle – it is easy for us not to identified with our body. We can stand out and be the observer that OSHO talks so much about. I have done it.
Actually there are many mis-guided notion out there that says you need to be a man to be enlightened. In my opinion I have become enlightened because I am no longer identified with my body. It was easy for me because I am a women. Am I right? Someone please explain to me?
There is another mis-guided notion that mothers are better off because they have close bonding with another human. It is wrong because this makes you more identified with your body. Being identified with your body keeps you rooted to earth and does not lift you high into the sky where your soul wants to be. It also messes up your entire body structure and system. In addition, the world does not need another mouth to feed. We are running out of food and resources to support ourselves, so please stop over-populating the earth just so that your genes and family name can be brought forward.
As Roald Dahl says in one of his books (baskaran please return all my books) that the world needs a gene pool of intelligent people and artists. In this book the semen – men’s ejaculated liquid – I have to say it this way because the thesaurus in my notebook conveniently left out – perhaps the publishers of the thesaurus too had inner conflict and felt embarrassed about their own bodily functions – I read somewhere that most thesaurus publishers are men and that’s why words related to women are not adequately represented – is this true? Anyway semen of intelligent men, artists, etc. were collected and inseminated into intelligent women to produce only intelligent, beautiful and artistic people. Perhaps we need to weed out the unnecessary. It sounds cold isn’t it? Let’s see what you have to say about my teenage experience.
AMARAVATHY – AN ABUSED, SCHOOL GOING, INDIAN TEENAGE GIRL
As I mentioned above, I loved the man Kandasamy –who claim to be my mother’s younger brother- Indians are so melodramatic that whenever they are close to someone they will try to become their relatives because of the saying blood is thicker than water – does this makes sense – of course blood is thicker than water – where does it say about relatives and bio-fields. To me it is all utter rubbish. The whole is our family – all humans are our siblings – where is our compassion for mankind (another word coined by thesaurus publishers – it should be human kind – can someone help me take them to task and coin new words such has humankind?). Actually I am amazed it myself for continuously avoiding the most bitter topic in my life – still dancing around it.
Anyway, this Kandasamy fucked me from the age of 16.5 – 18 years old. There, now that I’ve said it, it does not lessen the pain. That fucker deserved to have his cock mutilated for what he did to my entire female members of the family – I wonder if he had any affair with my own mother? First he fucked my eldest sister – I knew this because I’ve seen them together and I just know. I was 12 then I think I was jealous because I wanted his attention. The story of Kannagi deserves another page but not now because this is my turn.
Then I believe that he fucked Vanmathy – Van, is this true? I remember Van confessing to me that he had given her a French kiss in 1985 when he was fucking me. It broke my heart but I did not trust any around me to confide in them about my impotent and abused state. In fact I was not even aware that I was being abused – all I knew was that I did not deserve this – I spent all my nights in his house crying to sleep. Did someone ask me what I was doing in his house? I asked the same question to my mother yesterday 22nd May 2007 before I left to Durga’s Restaurant to write my story as I could not be in the company of my parents anymore. This single question made them hate me so much that they have abandoned me in my hour of need and left to Kuala Pilah with my former brother Khairul.
He was penniless (it should be ringgit-less) in Seremban on Sunday 20th may 2006. But drove down yesterday and took them home without even letting me know of it. I got a call from him at 5pm saying that my parents had gone home with him. I told him “FUCK OFF and DON”T EVER CALL ME AGAIN” because he lied an said that he and dad have been calling me but could not get through. They always treat me like a fool because they have no idea of who I am. I came home at 11.30pm to find the front door and windows open and the only set of keys thrown on the floor (where I’ve told them to leave when they left home to Kuala Pilah). I know them and I did not want their company anymore but I was hoping that at least this time around, they will stick around and show their worth as parents. Alas, I was severely disappointed. Since I could no longer live alone in quiet spaces, I’ve taken the last RM5,000 I have (from the sale of my last gold) and moved into Palm Inn Hotel. I love this place because people are nice here and I get to eat whenever I am hungry.
She has never cared about anyone except her son. I brought her here because I missed home cooked food and wanted some tender, loving care from my parents as I don’t want to turn to anyone else. I just wanted to know for the last time that Ms.Thilagavathy Govindasamy (my ma) cared for me. My password in my notebook was sugar – a name I called Baskaran - but now I have changed it to OSHO. Feel the pain Baskaran. I no longer have his mobile no. registered under sugar in my tel. It is now plain Baskaran.
Obviously my mother does not care for me. Did you know that on Monday night (21/5/07), after furiously typing away for 9 hrs I went to the kitchen to eat, she left no food for me to eat. I just wanted to kill myself there and then…I was that disappointed. They both had eaten bread and she did not even bother to ask if I wanted to eat. She made a big show of watching her Tamil Drama serial 1 foot away from the TV just to show me that she needs glasses (she has been demanding for me to take her for cataract operation) when she watches movies 6 feet away in Kuala Pilah. I’ve noticed her reading newspapers from her lap but when she notices me watching her, she keeps the newspaper so close to her eyes – what a drama queen – I just got to know my mother for what she is. Furthermore, she knew that I could not work in noisy environment, hence I fixed the headphones for her to watch her serial. She had no regards for my father and took that headphones and sat so close to the tv and ignored the both of us. This is how we have been feeling our entire life – ignored and abandoned – I speak for my father because he has never stood up and spoke for himself. I feel sorry for him and I will continue to fight for him as he represents the former me.
Can you see how cleverly I skirted around Kandasamy’s story? It is now 4.30pm and I need to go to the current unit that I abandoned last night to collect some personal belonging before the sun sets as I believe it is haunted. I am going to go up with the helper who works at the provision shop down stairs as I don’t want to be alone there. Thinking about entering the house gives me the shivers. I need help because I believe I am creating this fear into real life situation. Why can’t I be alone at night? I feel like the whole world is haunted. Is this true? Or am I possessed as my mother thinks? Or am I insane as my father thinks? Do you see how the bio-field we talk about can erode our own confidence in us? Why don’t I want to be in that apartment unit? I think because it reminds me so much of my haunted house in Kuala Pilah. I need to leave the room now as I am very scared. What is this fear? Bye!
I could not leave the room as the voices in my head would not allow me to run away this time around. I need to write this now. I was sexually attracted to Kandasamy even at the age of 10 years old. “The unconscious of an infant is as developed as that of a man”, Paranjothi Subramaniam, November 2006. Is this true? Can a 10 year old know about sexual attraction if he/she was not exposed to sex? NO! Mr. Subramaniam, where did you get this information. Please stand behind your statement and answer my confused mind? Is this true? Let me tell you what I think, you have no idea about what you are saying or doing, do you?
POST SCRIPT
I’ve written a lot here but this is just the tip of the iceberg. Some pieces are very painful - especially those related to my teenage times that involve my family - to be mentioned that I am still skirting around them. Some pieces here made me absolutely contented just to be mentioned. However there is just this one piece that made me burst out laughing at Durgas Restaurant where I was writing until 10pm last night – it was on an incident that happened earlier this year. It was on how I threatened Baskaran and made him very scared of me just to obtain some personal space and freedom. I have made a mark there so that all women out there can laugh at it too.
INTRODUCTION
I have so much to share with you that I have been writing this round the clock - since I sent you the sms on Monday (20th May) morning requesting for your fax details. Hence I wrote them in various places and various times. I have also taken some of it from a police report that I attempted to make on Baskaran on 19th May 2006 (Sat) but changed my mind as I didn’t want him to get into trouble with the authorities. I was also worried about my own safety.
However I would like to publish an extensive version of my life experiences and translate the publication it in various languages including the Tamil language. My vision is for people to listen to my story as I have led a loveless existence with no one to listen to me. I think my story represents various minority groups such as women, children, Indians, the poor and the existence.
I would like for all people of the world to read my experience and find something in it to wake them up and smell the Nescafe (I love coffee and I just had row with the male receptionist of this hotel for sending room service – Nescafe in a plastic bag with 2 Styrofoam cups. Have you had coffee in Styrofoam cups? Yucks! They smell bad. Please don’t ever support the Styrofoam and Plastic industries as they are very harmful to the environment. They a not bio-degradable – that means they remain on earth for ever and ever – unlike natures own production that decomposes without a trace. I now can sip my coffee in a glass). We need to stand up for our rights of our Body, Mind and Soul. I am now writing this introductory piece at a cheap Hotel located in the vicinity of Ampang Point - Hotel Palm Inn – listening to Tamil/Hindi songs played by the 24 hour Restoran Nasi Kandar Pelita below. It costs RM90 per day.
The Cat is Out of the Bag
It’s now 11.23 am and I’ve just had my breakfast and a panadol as my body is hurting from all the writing work I am doing in uncomfortable postures and places. I’ve just turned off all lights in the room to conserve energy. Do you know how much energy hotels waste? I need to find out but we need to conserve energy as the world is dying – just as I was for the past 5 years. I feel so sorry for myself that I have tears in my eyes. I will never betray myself but it is hard to make such promise because the society is so cruel that it demands such unnatural things.
Baskaran, you wanted to keep all about us under wraps but little did you know that what we fear most will come back to haunt us. I am sorry for doing this but it is my life too. I wanted to you to hear me but you never heard. Now I want to whole world to listen to me because I may have many important things to say.
I am here because the flats unit that I moved into last month is no longer livable. I believe it is haunted because I can’t seem to be alone there. I have an unconscious fear of something that I don’t understand. I now need constant company of people. I am afraid to be alone as I’m afraid of myself. I have an uncontrollable rage towards Baskaran and my parents. I don’t know myself anymore. It is now 5.30am and I have just come down from my motel room to the Restaurant because I am afraid to be alone and got scared of what I was writing. I came down to be in the company of the people. I thought my motel room is haunted. I think I am possessed. I hear voices in my head that tell me to write this.
However I think these are the many personalities that I have been suppressing all the while to keep - my parents, baskaran, in-laws and the society at large – HAPPY! Am I right? Can you understand what I am saying?
I don’t know how to handle myself anymore but I also think that I have never been better as I am very courageous and am taking all those who have been bullying me (and/or I was afraid off) to task. I have begun to stand up for myself. But the strange thing is that I feel suffocated and oppressed in small areas and dark corners but I feel alright in open air and vast spaces - when the sky is my only roof. When I spend too much time between four walls of my home, I feel trapped. I need to run out and inhale huge amount of air into my lungs to feel better. Perhaps it’s because I’ve been hiding in small corners of my mind and am now opening up to the vastness of existence. Is this true? Can someone explain all of these for me?
Do you think the Conference of Sitthers (I think this means Yogis – I don’t know the English word for this as my Tamil/English dictionary that I have been lugging around since 1978 – I got it as a present from the Tamil School that I was studying for the good results I got in standard 5 Government examination – can’t remember the certificate) that will be held at University Malaya from this 25th – 27th May (Friday – Sunday) will help explain what I am going through? My mother and Dr. Jaya of Jaya Clinic at Melawai think so. Do you?
My Body Is My Guru
My body has taken control of me. Have you ever had this wonderful experience? What happens when you get scared in the middle of the night in a dark alley? The first thing you do is run right? Who made you run? It is your survival instincts right? What is instinct? It is your body taking control right? I think this is happening to me almost all the time. Thanks to OSHO for explaining this in his book “Intellect – A Courageous Way to Live” (unsure of the title as all my OSHO’s books are with Baskaran – Dear, please return them to me).
My legs take me to wherever I am supposed to go when I am walking. When I am driving, my voices take me to wherever I am supposed to go. My eyes park on things that I must do or have. I hurt myself when I am upset. I’ve even dropped heavy things onto myself when I am angry. Ever since I put myself through a de-toxification program to wean myself Off marijuana, I started eating what my stomach dictates. Actually my body put me through the de-toxification program and not the other way round. Do you understand me?
I started practicing one of OSHO’s meditation methods called Body, Mind Balancing – I received a guided meditation CD with the book (Baskaran please return the book to me as it is my favorite) that allows the body to return to its natural ways. I am now a proud ex-drug addict because I did it my way without the help of anyone especially Baskaran as he’s quick to take unfair credit for all things related to me.
Right now I am rather unhappy because I’ve let myself go as far as my stomach is concerned because I am too busy to care about my health. My stomach was my Guru but now I have my eyes as my Guru. Do you understand what I am saying? I used to hear a voice deep from my belly guiding me but now I have a number of voices guiding me. However in moments of confusion, I do hear a guiding voice that tells me what to do and what to write. Above all, my eyes are guiding me to places and they have never failed me. Guruveh Sharanam = SURRENDER TO GURU.
Guruveh Sharanam = SURRENDER TO GURU
We say this a lot but do we actually understand the depth of it? I am trying my level best to surrender to my own Gurus (my own voices) but it is so difficult because society does not allow it. It is such an effort to surrender! How can you surrender to an outside influence when you can’t even surrender to your own self? It is so hard that sometimes I curse and cuss at myself because it is very painful to do what my guiding voice tells me. Why is this happening? I feel like killing some people…will the society allow it?
THE TRANSFORMATION
What am I doing in Hotel Palm Inn with my windows open and feeling comfortable just listening to the heavy noise emanating from below – at 5.30am in the morning? They are cleaning the restaurant for breakfast and the music is loud. Until early this year, I needed a very quiet and clean room to sleep alone. Now I need constant company of people and a noisy environment. I no longer care about cleanliness but I get very uncomfortable when it is too quiet. What has happened?
My notebook is beeping away because its batteries are almost dead but I am somehow managing as I can still use the faulty adapter that Baskaran had bought for me. I need to constantly move my wire around to keep it connected to the notebook because it’s loose (just as loose as my family think I am). Actually my shoulders are in immense pain because I have been lugging a heavy coffee table book on wetlands along with my notebook because I’ve been using it to keep the adapter fixed to the notebook. Last night in my haste, I left the book at the unit that I have abandoned and now I am paying the price. The notebook may die on me anytime but I am talking to it to keep it intact. Am I insane?
AMARAVATHY THE FOOL - SHIT SMELLING PERMAI SERI BLOCK – THE TREACHERY OF CATHERINE AND ANUAR
The unit that I am renting now needs a lot of repair work and I couldn’t stand the stench that was emanating from the IWK pond that is outside my window. Although I am at the 15th floor, the acrid smell is unbelievable. On 22nd May, PM told Works Minister S Samy Vellu to do his duty and undertake all repairs in parliament building and stop blaming others. I expected my landlord Ms. Catherine to assume such responsibility but she and her real estate agent – Anuar (I don’t know his full name) are not answering my calls and I don’t know where Catherine lives as she had kept that a secret, although I have requested for such information. I smelled something fishy with her. I had just sent her and her agent a sms that I am going to drag them down to every court in Malaysia if they don’t return all of my money worth RM1600 and pay my hotel bill. She’s still ‘making don’t know’ to my actual plight.
But I would not accept payment for the hotel bill from her because it’s unfair. I am sitting on this bed and doing something that I am completely in love with – writing. It’s unfair to take money from the people we don’t know for unjust claims.
AMARAVATHY IS INSANE – THE TREACHERY OF BASKARAN
I am so tired now because I have not slept well since I left Baskaran on 20th April 2007. Last week I survived on anti-depressant for 4 days but I would not allow myself to be dependant on anything but myself. Hence I stopped and am waiting for my body to collapse so that I can sleep peacefully once again. Perhaps writing this piece will help me find peace of mind.
I would like to start by highlighting the police report that I had made on 24 April 2007 (Tuesday) against my husband that I faxed over to you last night. That would have clearly illuminated how he had abused me and manipulated my entire family to work against me. This happened in just 4 days and it shows how much he controlled and manipulated me. I am tired of trying to fight for my justice as an Indian Woman [perempuan India as they called me at the Wangsa Maju and Sentul Police Stations and at Ibu Pejabat Polis Kontinjen (IPK), KL] in Malaysia.
I went to make a police report against Baskaran once again on the 19th May 2007 (Friday) determined to put him behind bars because I was bullied by him and my lawyer. He constantly put off giving me my documents that I needed to prepare my CV and he had just put off signing the divorce petition (my lawyer calls this doc petition – betulkah?) I found my lawyer being played so easily by him and I got very upset with the both of them. Actually started believing that they were both conspiring against me - Baskaran must have somehow convinced her that I was insane – just as he had convinced my entire family members of 15 people.
I got so pissed off that I terminated Jagjits services through a telephone call and sms. Is this ok? I requested for her to return my deposit payment of RM2000. She too is ignoring me. Did you know that Baskaran did not pay anything to the lawyer as she was someone I found and yet she was on his side? Why? He’s such a leach that he wanted to stick to the same lawyer. Since I had terminated Jagjits service, he had found another Indian lady lawyer Ms. Nisha of K. Nadarajah and Partners. I feel so sorry for her. Ms. Nisha, please be very careful with this man. You will learn more about him as you read further.
INDIAN WOMEN AND THE TREACHERY OF GOLDSMITHS
I had just pajak (don’t know the English word for this as my Malay/English dictionary that my father had bought in 1979, when I was 12yrs old is with Baskaran) my mothers gold tahli to reclaim a long gold chain and a pair of gold ear-rings - that Baskaran’s mother had given me during my wedding - from the same pajak shop.
I Pajak my mothers Tahli worth RM5000 for a lower rate of RM3500 (as I did not want to pay too much of interest and needed only that amount). I thank my mother for offering me her last piece of gold. That was her last piece because she had lost all her gold to my brother (whom I USED to call Tambi now I am going to call him Khairul – his muslim name) for cash needed for his business investment purposes.
In my moment of absolute desperation, in my lawyers presence, I managed to convince Baskaran to give me the gold items that we had kept in my safe deposit box at HSBC. He had lost the key and we had to be present together at the Bank after banking hours for them to break open the safe. Since it was his fault, he paid RM208 for the key. He kept all the foreign currency (Euro and US dollars) he had stashed there worth about I don’t know as he had kept them in an envelope. I barely managed to keep the gold items of a long gold chain and a pair of gold ear-rings weighing 85.20grams. I don’t know the actual weight of these gold items as all goldsmiths mentioned different weights ranging from 85 to 85.20 grams. Who is the authority on goldsmiths in Malaysia? Does anyone know?
With the help of Khairul, I pajak those gold items in Seremban for a price of RM4850 but I was very unsatisfied with the price because Khairul was offered a price of RM5440 (RM64 per gram x 85 grams) at Jalan Pudu in KL. Do you know there are rows of Chinese Goldsmith at Jalan Pudu that offer various prices for your gold. Isn’t gold price determined by the market. The current market rate is RM82 per gram but why are we offered as low as RM55 per gram by Indian Goldsmith at Lebuh Ampang and RM64 per gram by Chinese goldsmith at Jalan Pudu? Is this legal? Who and what determines this?
So, on 18th May 2006, I drove to Seremban, Pajak my mothers Tahli worth RM5000 for RM3500 and used my last of the salary money to take out the gold items. I managed to sell them at Jalan Pudu the next morning for a price of RM5430 to a women goldsmith. Did I do something illegal here? Please advice.
AMARAVATHY THE EX-MARIJUANA ADDICT AND THE TREACHERY OF THE POLICE
I went to make a police report against Baskaran on 19th May 2006 (Sat) as I was very angry with him for bullying me and making my life difficult by not releasing all documents that I needed to complete my CV and file my personal tax returns.
Initially I was treated rudely at the Wangsa Maju Police Station. A female officer yelled at me as if she was yelling at a convict. I stood my ground and yelled at her back and threatened them with my limited knowledge of the law. Actually I was shaking like a leaf inside but put on a brave front as I have once been abused by their manner when I went to make the police report on 24th April 2006. In addition, I had to type the entire report by myself and spend about a total of 3 hours there. Actually I was guided by my inner guru to say all those threats to get their respect. I was successful (yet I find it difficult to surrender to my own guru).
I was immediately taken to a private room by a male officer for a chat that he conducted with utmost respect. Upon hearing my plea, he made a telephone call to Baskaran to release my documents but I don’t know what was the conversation about as all he kept repeating was ‘saya’…’saya’ in agreement to whatever Baskaran was saying. Later he made a telephone call to ASP Teh Soi Hai of Sentul Police Station, and passed the line to me. Upon repeating my plea again over a telephone, TEA (I’m calling him Tea, direct translation for Teh as my pc is auto correcting his name to THE all the time and I have no time to amend it) asked call to go to IPK, KL to report on Baskaran for involving me in marijuana abuse.
My only consolation was that I managed to successfully demand a ride in a police car that came all the way from Wangsa Maju Police Station to IPK, KL to fetch me back to their station as they had mis-guided me and gave me their famous run around. I was made to travel from Wangsa Maju Police Station to IPK, KL (by taxi) by TEA (can I take action against this irresponsible man) just to receive some personal advices from a female inspector. She did not know her own rights as a female and I believe I made her realize a thing a two about women’s rights that she called and demanded for me to be taken back to my car by the police. Can I claim my taxi fair from them.
The driver expected me to have tea with him and started asking many things about my former addiction but when I called Baskaran and asked him to speak to him re: my documents, once again, all I heard was ‘saya’….’saya’….and ‘ya’. When I arrived at Wangsa Maju Police Station, yet another female officer (different shift as I had wasted about 5 hours for nothing) yelled at me saying that Baskaran had called and that they can’t get involved because he was not free to be at home to release my documents. Is this fair? All I want is some papers that Baskaran will never understand or use. I yelled at her who is the boss here, you as the police or the Baskaran.
I was outraged and bullied that I collected my things and ran out of the police station cursing them about their incompetence. However, my legs took a u-turn and took me back to the police station demanding to make a police report. Once again I requested for a pc and started typing furiously as I am doing right now, on how Baskaran had abused me with Marijuana. I too had written down all the contact details of all officers involved conscientiously.
Hence I called TEA and politely asked his advice me on what to do. I manipulatively called him Tuan although I hated it because I needed legal advice. He was kind enough to ask me to write all about marijuana abuse so that they can arrest Baskaran and take him for urine test the very same night. Hence I wrote a 4-page report (from 8pm – 10pm) on Baskaran and another 2 page report on my former boss who had just cheated me off RM465 just 2 days ago. The voices in my head wanted them behind bars and justice served but I could not relent. I printed the documents, deleted them from police files and walked out without a word. If you would like these documents, please send me a sms and I will fax them to you because I don’t have the time to re-type them as I need to get my documents from baskaran and do my CV to find a job. I am in conflict now. Should I put them behind bars? Please advice at the end of my story. Is this Guruveh Sharanam? How am I to surrender to myself? Is this fair to me?
AMARAVATHY THE ENVIRONEMNTAL CONSERVATIONIST AND THE TREACHERY OF GEC
I walked out of my office at Global Environment Centre (GEC) after working there for about 5.5 working days (Annex 2) on 17th May 2006 due to contractual dispute with the Executive Director (Faizal Duncan Parish) of that profit making company that is posing to be a non-profit organization.
Here I need to mention about the injustice I have been served at Global Environment Centre (GEC). In June 2004, I got a job at GEC as a coordinator (unsure of my position as it had changed many times during my tenure at GEC, I also believe that I had worked there without a contract but I have evidence of pay checks that went into my savings accounts from GEC – all my files are with Baskaran) for a project entitled (unsure) Multilateral Environmental Agreements – A Capacity Building Program for Government Officials to negotiate and communicate at international environmental conventions such as United Nations Framework for Convention on Climate Change (UNFCCC), Convention on Biological Diversity (CBD), Ramsar Convention on Wetlands, Montreal Protocol, etc. This was a liberating moment for me as I once again found passion for conservation and I thank Faizal for giving me an opportunity to exercise my love for existence.
I left GEC suddenly on 16th March 2007, I am unsure of the actual date as I don’t have the copy of the email that I sent with regards to that. I left without saying goodbye to Faizal or the staff. I had just sent an email saying that I had made some money and didn’t want to work anymore. I remember now that I could do it because I did not have a contract with GEC from November 2006 – this is how disorganized GEC is.
Actually I realized recently that GEC is a money making organization posing as a non-profit organization trying to cheat public off of their money as they have just got tax exemption status. Does this mean that monies that is used to fund projects conducted by this organization is tax deductible? Could someone with accountancy background help me understand this? I need some advice from financial consultants/accountants here because I would like to take GEC to task as I will no longer allow anyone to make money using the name of nature/environment.
I had just completed a proposal for them (annex 3) requesting funds of about RM147,000 from Toyota Foundation of Japan to support the activities of Civil Society Organisations of Southeast Asia to conduct activities related to the Climate Change and rapid loss of biodiversity. But rumour has it that GEC is trying to use to the money to run their organization that has been appointed as the Interim Project Secretariat by the ASEAN Secretariat and the Malaysian Environmental NGOs (MeNGO). Dr. Sundari (coordinator of MeNGO – I think) please take note of this and take action against GEC as it is your responsibility to keep the Environmental NGOs in Malaysia under control.
We know how the environmental NGOs can abuse public funds to sustain very highly paid staff. One of the many bosses I reported to was the Executive Director at Wetlands International Dr. Arthur Mitchell, he was paid a whopping salary of RM25,000 a month (incl. his 3 children’s education at an International School). Isn’t this true Dr. Sundari. Dr. Sundari and I were colleagues at WI since 1997 (unclear as all doc are with Baskaran). Khadijah (Accountant at WI for the past 12 years) could please confirm this information. Isn’t this true? Were we not disgusted with the organization for this? Didn’t Dr. Arthur Mitchell use the funds worth RM1.5million received from a private funder (I forgot his name - what was his name Khadijah?) from Denmark to pay off 7 industrial court law suit made by former staff of WI (four of the staff who received the payment – Faizal Duncan Parish, Suzana Mohkeri, Victoria Louis, Saha Devan - who were terminated from WI walked out and started the operation of GEC). If I am not mistaken, they were each paid an average of RM200,000 each – an unfair agreement they struct with the mild mannered Dr. Mitchell.
On 18th May 2006, I went to GEC to collect my pay check – Faizal released a cash check worth RM1490 for 3.5 days of my salary and the outstanding pay from March 2007 of 3 full days. Faizal, 6.5 days x RM230 is RM1495 and not RM1490 – why are you so cheap that you’re cheating me off RM5. Anyway thank you for fulfilling my demand for a cash check as I needed the money urgently. In addition, you are now cheating me off 2 days of my salary worth RM460 – a rate too low for my expertise. My time sheet is in annex 2. I hope that my ex-colleagues will corroborate with me if I take Faizal to the Industrial Court. Friends, Faizal’s expertise include technical knowledge on wetland conservation and cheating Indian staff off their deserved worth by under paying them as Indians are a minority group in Malaysia and do not stand up to a Mat Salleh.
I hope GEC will pay me the outstanding salary of RM465 that I deserve and help me feel as if I am still part of this world. I would like to continue my work in the field of environmental conservation and I hope Faizal will be professional enough to recognize my expertise. Faizal, please don’t take this personally as local expertise on the environment is very few and nature needs people like us to represent them. Please be fair to me as I too am part of existence. Have you been fair to your staff? Have you been fair to the environment that you have been representing all over the world – especially in the International Conventions? Since they don’t have a voice, we need to be fair…have you? I don’t think so, please change your ways.
Anyway, due to Baskaran’s and my lawyer Jagjit’s constant telephone calls to me and my family, I could not perform well at work but I think that I had done a good job in writing the proposal for Toyota Foundation, please read the proposal and comment on it. Right now my confidence in me as an environmental conservationist is somehow eroded by Faizal’s treatment towards me. Please help me restore my confidence in myself.
I am now constantly very angry with the whole world and feel that injustice has been done to me by all that who believed that they know me - including my family - for conspiring with Baskaran against me and for several other incidents that took place when I was a very young school going girl of 16 years old. However, going public with my story has given me the courage to fight with this man who has been bullying me for the past 7 years.
SIMPLE AMARAVATHY – BASKARAN’S THE LOVER
He walked into my house at Pantai Dalam in November 1999 with a plastic bag full of cheap clothes and had played with my sympathy and emotions and had never left my life until yesterday. I was then renting a flats owned my cousin Kalai who had kindly renovated and made it lovely for me and gave it away for a very cheap price of RM250 per month. Later, he also bought me a 4-seater dining table, a tv stand and a unique Directors chair which is now placed at my bedroom. I love that chair because it is so unique.
AMARAVATHY – THE TREACHERY OF THE COUSIN
Thank you very much for all that anneh and for all your support during this dark and desolate period of my life and for keeping in-touch with me all these years. This morning I received a loving message from you through ‘short messaging service’ (SMS) “Shakespheare says….’one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces. A pure heart is worth its weight in gold’…Good morning…”
Wasn’t that lovely? That’s what I thought the moment I saw it and replied ‘thanks darling’. Upon analyzing it I sent a sms to you “Anneh, I know you mean well but shakespear was gd in eng (so the world says) but ignorant of human heart - there’s no such thing as pure heart - we consist of all. Gd morning 2 u too.”
Friends, aren’t I right? I was devastated when I received his reply … ‘U will find one at ur time”. Why are you so condescending and patronizing towards me? Will I ever be taken seriously? All my family members, Baskaran, and the world have been treating me this way. Is this fair? Anneh, please let me know if I am wrong here or am I being sensitive? What do you mean by ‘’one beautiful heart is better than thousand beautiful faces’? Am I ugly? Don’t we know what we are saying anymore? Are we just puppets repeating ignorance things said by people?
Then he sends another sms asking ‘darling anneh n have u got the job?’ He clearly knows that I have lost my job? Why is this happening? I am still cool. I replied “After writing my piece..u n anni must read it all – gonna cont. now. Darling thangachi. Guess what he replies ‘r u working now?’ Writing this had riled me up that I just sent a message “Don’t you understand English? Read my sms again” This is how my family had continuously abused me and eroded my confidence.
My parents have always used kalai to keep me under their control as they think I am too wild and loose. Whenever I have a dispute with them, they call Kalai and use him as a puppet to manipulate me. Little does he know about the scheming ways of my mother. Many a times I hated this method that had been applied on me to keep me under check.
Did you know what happened yesterday 22nd May 2007? I went home at 2am on Sunday morning to Kuala Pilah to fetch them to come and live with me because I was afraid to live alone. We left Kuala Pilah the next day and had a lovely gathering at my sister Valarmathy’s house at Seremban with my cousins Vinoshini, Jamuna and Lingeson.
Anneh do you know Valarmathy’s children’s names? Did she not take care of you when you had broken your leg in a car accident and made you bed-ridden for almost 6 months? She cleaned your piss and shit pot for a very long time in 1977 (I think)? Have you conveniently forgotten that? Why have you not kept in touch with her? Is it because she is poor and unsuccessful to your point of view? In my point of view, she is successful because she has a business in the Seremban market (those of you from Seremban, please buy your vegetables and provisions from my lovely sister Valar as she needs your support to continue her miserable existence as an abused Indian wife/daughter-in-law) 3 lovely children, a house and 2 cars.
Ms. Vinoshini Sathiamoorthi, my cousin is in such a good position at KLIA that at such a young age of 21, she earns a very high salary and supports her entire family because her father is a useless loafer who is living off his children and wife. Valar, please don’t abuse Vinoshini to support the entire family as our parents have done to me? What about your share? Why are you so stingy? Why do you always ask them to call you back when you want to complain about your husband and in-laws - so that you can safe your telephone bill? It is because I am paying for their hotlink re-load too right? Everybody at home, please stop taking advantage of me. I am now poor. Please support our parents.
Anneh, now that you know about Vinoshini, you may want to be in touch with her right? Why are you so pretentious? Lets face the truth, you have no idea of who I am because you too never bothered to listen to me.
Did you not keep in touch with Valar because she got married to an Indian abusive husband who beats her regularly to keep her in check? Why have you not helped her? Are you afraid of Sathiamoorthy? Was that why you did not attend my engagement, wedding and forsook me in my hours of need when I was newly married to Baskaran – when he and his family members were abusing me. Were afraid of the fact that he was an ex-convict and that he may beat you? Is it true someone attempted to shoot you at an Indian pub in early 90’s. Where were you from April 2002 (engagement and wedding) – April 2003?
You call me to be in touch when my parents call you and control you by saying that I need to be looked after right? Have you any idea what they have been doing to you and myself? Is it the custom of Indian families to forget their daughters who have been supporting them when the girls get married? Is it because the girls are of no more use to the family? Are we adopted off to our in-laws family to play the same role there. Now that I am no longer with a man, my parents are bullying you once again to keep in check right? Well…FUCK OFF and DON’T EVER CALL ME AGAIN! JERK!
AMARAVATHY AN ABUSED INDIAN DAUGHTER
Yesterday, on 20TH may 2006, my dad, ma and I drove around Puchong Jaya to visit Baskaran’s family to ask for the minimal things that I’ve been demanding through my lawyer but little did I know that they have moved house. They have moved their mother to a new location – perhaps they were saving her from the traumatic experience of meeting me and my parents – I wonder why? None of the family members that I called came forward to help me despite me crying out and begging for help. All switched off their mobile telephone and took their land lines off the hook. I used this educational opportunity to highlight to my parents not to ever conspire against their own children. Justice needs to be served and I need my life back. Please help me get a divorce from this mad man and his unfair family.
Baskaran have lost a very loving person who had very kindly shared her live with him. Now I want to stand up for my rights and live my life the way I’ve always wanted to. My passion for my work has been re-found and I want to travel the world and fight for the plight of nature and existence as I am part of it.
Here I would like to share a bitter incident that took place in my life at the tender age of 16. I’ve been skirting around this topic for the past 48 hours and that’s the reason I have not been minding my stomach. My stomach hurts when I think about it. From the age of 10, I used to love a man called Kandasamy. He was 19 at that time – 9 years older than me. I was fascinated by him because to my young mind, he was well read and he told me many things on spirituality especially yoga and meditation.
I come from a family of 4 girls Kannagi, Valarmathy & Vanmathy (twins), amaravathy@ Thamilmany (me) and Kaliyaperumal @ Karunanithy (my younger brother). We were all 4-years apart – I don’t know how my parents managed this in a period that condoms were not found in Malaysia. I wish I could speak to my mother on such issues but I can’t because I hate her. I still love my father but I don’t like him for he’s a spineless coward who hides behind my mother’s ass (sorry Sivalingam – now, I only speak to truth!).
I was so bullied by my siblings that I always ended up doing all the house work at home. My family was so poor and we couldn’t afford books and toys. Therefore housework and sitting alone amidst trees in jungles, rubber plantations and bushes were my only past time. I was happy and whole then. Perhaps the following incident will illuminate my families poor financial condition. WE had I piece of chicken on every Wednesday of the week as it was my father’s off day from the Rex Theatre where he was working as a cinema operator. His salary was about RM500 and they had to support 5 children. Is RM500 too little a money in 1977? Someone please advice. Now I feel as if we have been mis-led to believe that we were poor due to my mother expensive and extravagant taste in kitchewear.
I hate my mother because she made me steal plastic jewellary at local Indian shop that sold knick knacks by Mr. Manickam. I hated those moments when she opens her bag and expected me to push knick knacks into the bag when the owner was not looking. My stomach used to hurt as it hurts right now. I was always thin because I could not eat at home because I had such an unhappy childhood – only when I was indoors. I forgot my problems when I was freely roaming the wild jungles of Kuala Pilah then. I spent a lot of time alone and away from home because my siblings hated me. I suppose it was because I always got what I wanted. I always fought hard and long battles with them to get the attention of my parents and for my safety. My sister Vanmathy used to poke my eyes with lidi (what’s English word for this please?) – Rud, it’s a stem found in between coconut leaves. It was so painful that I keep my eyes closed even now when I am in danger.
My brother used to abuse me constantly – he ones hit me hard on the head with a hammer. He also used his bare hands to hit me and pull my hair. The roots of my hair were always weak due to this that I’ve always had very little hair. But I fought hard. Since he had very short hair I used to use my nails to pull his ears until there were nail marks all over the back of his ears. Where were my parents? What were they doing leaving us unprotected and unattended?
Did you know Indian female children have to keep their hair long as it’s a sin to cut it short? I hated that in 1998 I shaved my head bald when I visited a temple at Thruppathi located at Andra Pradesh, South India. It was where Baskaran’s ancestors had come from. I was touring South India with my Japanese boy friend Kazushi Suzuki whom I lovingly called Kazu on a backpacking tour that I had planned for several years. WE had a fantastic time until we reached Kerala were Kazu went berserk because he couldn’t keep with my energetic phase. Guess what I did? I explained to him that this was my pilgrimage and he can fuck off if he wanted to go back to Malaysia. I used to be that independent. I thank my siblings for teaching me to fight hard for what we want. He was cowed and he followed me around without anymore retaliation.
We women should always learn to speak our mind out and get things done our way we because I believe women know better. I our mind is more clear and our instincts are more attuned because of our monthly menstrual cycle that is directly related to the lunar calendar. Since we have no control of our own bodily function – menstrual cycle – it is easy for us not to identified with our body. We can stand out and be the observer that OSHO talks so much about. I have done it.
Actually there are many mis-guided notion out there that says you need to be a man to be enlightened. In my opinion I have become enlightened because I am no longer identified with my body. It was easy for me because I am a women. Am I right? Someone please explain to me?
There is another mis-guided notion that mothers are better off because they have close bonding with another human. It is wrong because this makes you more identified with your body. Being identified with your body keeps you rooted to earth and does not lift you high into the sky where your soul wants to be. It also messes up your entire body structure and system. In addition, the world does not need another mouth to feed. We are running out of food and resources to support ourselves, so please stop over-populating the earth just so that your genes and family name can be brought forward.
As Roald Dahl says in one of his books (baskaran please return all my books) that the world needs a gene pool of intelligent people and artists. In this book the semen – men’s ejaculated liquid – I have to say it this way because the thesaurus in my notebook conveniently left out – perhaps the publishers of the thesaurus too had inner conflict and felt embarrassed about their own bodily functions – I read somewhere that most thesaurus publishers are men and that’s why words related to women are not adequately represented – is this true? Anyway semen of intelligent men, artists, etc. were collected and inseminated into intelligent women to produce only intelligent, beautiful and artistic people. Perhaps we need to weed out the unnecessary. It sounds cold isn’t it? Let’s see what you have to say about my teenage experience.
AMARAVATHY – AN ABUSED, SCHOOL GOING, INDIAN TEENAGE GIRL
As I mentioned above, I loved the man Kandasamy –who claim to be my mother’s younger brother- Indians are so melodramatic that whenever they are close to someone they will try to become their relatives because of the saying blood is thicker than water – does this makes sense – of course blood is thicker than water – where does it say about relatives and bio-fields. To me it is all utter rubbish. The whole is our family – all humans are our siblings – where is our compassion for mankind (another word coined by thesaurus publishers – it should be human kind – can someone help me take them to task and coin new words such has humankind?). Actually I am amazed it myself for continuously avoiding the most bitter topic in my life – still dancing around it.
Anyway, this Kandasamy fucked me from the age of 16.5 – 18 years old. There, now that I’ve said it, it does not lessen the pain. That fucker deserved to have his cock mutilated for what he did to my entire female members of the family – I wonder if he had any affair with my own mother? First he fucked my eldest sister – I knew this because I’ve seen them together and I just know. I was 12 then I think I was jealous because I wanted his attention. The story of Kannagi deserves another page but not now because this is my turn.
Then I believe that he fucked Vanmathy – Van, is this true? I remember Van confessing to me that he had given her a French kiss in 1985 when he was fucking me. It broke my heart but I did not trust any around me to confide in them about my impotent and abused state. In fact I was not even aware that I was being abused – all I knew was that I did not deserve this – I spent all my nights in his house crying to sleep. Did someone ask me what I was doing in his house? I asked the same question to my mother yesterday 22nd May 2007 before I left to Durga’s Restaurant to write my story as I could not be in the company of my parents anymore. This single question made them hate me so much that they have abandoned me in my hour of need and left to Kuala Pilah with my former brother Khairul.
He was penniless (it should be ringgit-less) in Seremban on Sunday 20th may 2006. But drove down yesterday and took them home without even letting me know of it. I got a call from him at 5pm saying that my parents had gone home with him. I told him “FUCK OFF and DON”T EVER CALL ME AGAIN” because he lied an said that he and dad have been calling me but could not get through. They always treat me like a fool because they have no idea of who I am. I came home at 11.30pm to find the front door and windows open and the only set of keys thrown on the floor (where I’ve told them to leave when they left home to Kuala Pilah). I know them and I did not want their company anymore but I was hoping that at least this time around, they will stick around and show their worth as parents. Alas, I was severely disappointed. Since I could no longer live alone in quiet spaces, I’ve taken the last RM5,000 I have (from the sale of my last gold) and moved into Palm Inn Hotel. I love this place because people are nice here and I get to eat whenever I am hungry.
She has never cared about anyone except her son. I brought her here because I missed home cooked food and wanted some tender, loving care from my parents as I don’t want to turn to anyone else. I just wanted to know for the last time that Ms.Thilagavathy Govindasamy (my ma) cared for me. My password in my notebook was sugar – a name I called Baskaran - but now I have changed it to OSHO. Feel the pain Baskaran. I no longer have his mobile no. registered under sugar in my tel. It is now plain Baskaran.
Obviously my mother does not care for me. Did you know that on Monday night (21/5/07), after furiously typing away for 9 hrs I went to the kitchen to eat, she left no food for me to eat. I just wanted to kill myself there and then…I was that disappointed. They both had eaten bread and she did not even bother to ask if I wanted to eat. She made a big show of watching her Tamil Drama serial 1 foot away from the TV just to show me that she needs glasses (she has been demanding for me to take her for cataract operation) when she watches movies 6 feet away in Kuala Pilah. I’ve noticed her reading newspapers from her lap but when she notices me watching her, she keeps the newspaper so close to her eyes – what a drama queen – I just got to know my mother for what she is. Furthermore, she knew that I could not work in noisy environment, hence I fixed the headphones for her to watch her serial. She had no regards for my father and took that headphones and sat so close to the tv and ignored the both of us. This is how we have been feeling our entire life – ignored and abandoned – I speak for my father because he has never stood up and spoke for himself. I feel sorry for him and I will continue to fight for him as he represents the former me.
Can you see how cleverly I skirted around Kandasamy’s story? It is now 4.30pm and I need to go to the current unit that I abandoned last night to collect some personal belonging before the sun sets as I believe it is haunted. I am going to go up with the helper who works at the provision shop down stairs as I don’t want to be alone there. Thinking about entering the house gives me the shivers. I need help because I believe I am creating this fear into real life situation. Why can’t I be alone at night? I feel like the whole world is haunted. Is this true? Or am I possessed as my mother thinks? Or am I insane as my father thinks? Do you see how the bio-field we talk about can erode our own confidence in us? Why don’t I want to be in that apartment unit? I think because it reminds me so much of my haunted house in Kuala Pilah. I need to leave the room now as I am very scared. What is this fear? Bye!
I could not leave the room as the voices in my head would not allow me to run away this time around. I need to write this now. I was sexually attracted to Kandasamy even at the age of 10 years old. “The unconscious of an infant is as developed as that of a man”, Paranjothi Subramaniam, November 2006. Is this true? Can a 10 year old know about sexual attraction if he/she was not exposed to sex? NO! Mr. Subramaniam, where did you get this information. Please stand behind your statement and answer my confused mind? Is this true? Let me tell you what I think, you have no idea about what you are saying or doing, do you?
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